the big switch

Hey blog/internet/world, it's me again!!! It's been a year and a few months since my last blog post which pretty much seems to be the norm ever since I've started working. I've gotten out of touch with blogging and writing my feelings down but with everything that's been happening lately, I feel like it's about time for me to get back into it. It was most certainly therapeutic for me to write down my thoughts and feeling of the things I've been experiencing either after processing them (in which case I'd be able to actually eloquently write them down in pretentious sounding sentences and paragraphs, such as these) or in the spur of the moment where I'd literally just be typing the first thing that would come to mind and just let my inner monologue out. Lately I think I'll probably take a hybrid approach, where I'll just do both, depending on my mood. Either way, they were both means for me to healthily cope and explore my thought process and reactions to these life events-- I don't want to pull another "beach day sulking" ever again lol.

This blog posts comes 1 day after my 3 year RN-versary. To keep you up to speed, I finally left 5W and transferred to the NRT float pool. At some point after our second COVID outbreak on the unit, and after working doubles and hours and hours of OT later, I started to become depressed again and would always pop in on the internal job postings, looking for a way out. I applied for the ICU and 4W orthopedics, both of which I ended up turning down for the NRT. And even though it's only been 3 weeks since I've left, I can confidently say that 5W is on its way, or already is, to being a shambling, crumbling unit. It's officially become a general medicine unit so now it's seeing much more than just delirium, UTI, and syncope/falls patients. Which would be fine if it wasn't always so short staffed. Because it's short staffed, the new staff that management hires will finish their orientation then start working on their own, drowning in their heavy assignment, then quit because they cannot handle it. I know this because they pulled me from my orientation on Friday to work on 5W and I worked with some new hires who I saw struggling with their work as I, of course, struggle with mine. 

Here's an excerpt from a draft I wrote and never seemed to finish in September 2020 after getting depressed about work:

The misery of being a nurse is one that can only be known and understood by those who have experienced it. I see nursing students on my unit and see the shine of excitement in their eyes and I think— when did I lose mine? 

There are days when I absolutely despise my job, where within 10 minutes of stepping onto the floor the shift is already a shit show. I hate the added responsibility of being in charge (everyone knows this). The profession I once believed to be a vocation for me simply becomes a job for a pay check. I’ll work consecutive 12 hour shifts and spend my days off recovering all the mental and physical energy I have spent until it’s time to go back to work. I’ll have days where I just don’t want to talk to anyone, but find myself having to spend hours speaking to family members on the phone and answering their questions. 

But despite this, it’s hard to want to completely go cold turkey and switch careers. 

I’ll outright say I hate nursing... But I don’t actually completely hate it to its core. Bedside nursing can be a nightmare but it’s rewarding for sure. I’ve had plenty of times during my 1.5 years of working that continue to remind me why I got into this career. The positives of it are small, passing moments that are easy to miss; they are things you only come to appreciate in retrospect. They come as the privilege of being able to care for a dying patient, the sincere expression of thanks from a tired family member, and the celebration of your coworker’s successes. 

The hardest thing about it, though, is tending to the fine line of your mental health. We give so much of ourselves to others that we are at high risk of burning out. I experienced my first bout of burnout syndrome not too long ago— felt hopeless, miserable, and highly emotional. 

Choosing to leave for the NRT was one of the better decisions I've made in my career. I became too comfortable (albeit depressed) working there. I forced myself to rethink my purpose, my goals, and my potential for the future and got my ass out of there. The NRT will be a great gateway for me to really explore what I want to do in nursing. For example, psych nursing is not for me but I definitely respect these nurses for what they have to go through. I still would love to get my Masters in UBC, work a little bit there, and possibly eventually pursue teaching here at home. When I become old and achy,  even though I'm already old and achy, then I'll move to less physically demanding work. But of course, life never goes according to plan. We'll just have to wait and see what'll happen to Future Ange. Knowing her, she'll probably come back and write again in a year and half. I'm hoping in the short term future, my mental health will be better taken care of, my finances will be in order, and my physical shape will no longer look like a blob. #fighting

talitha koum

“the child is not dead, but asleep... little girl, i say to you, arise!”


ever since i’ve lost the routine of celebrating mass every sunday because of work, i feel like i too, have fallen asleep. i’ve fallen asleep in my faith and it’s been a hot minute since i’ve felt that invigorating & burning feeling of conviction and the realization that God’s love and mercy is greater than anything on earth. you would think that with everything going on— work stress, covid-19 stress, relationship stress, social depravation, stress from planning my animal crossing island— my faith would burn stronger. in my minds eyes, i see the flame in my heart as a faint flicker, burning quietly, small. waiting.

(like calcifer, from howl’s moving castle.)

i’ve tried feeding the flame by immersing myself in worship, listening to the message. signing up for faith studies with other like minded individuals. but what am i waiting for? waiting for a life changing moment for me to open my eyes, to hear jesus say “talitha koum!” and just like that, that fire burns fierce, strong, enough to power my heart, body, and soul to live in his Gospel (again, just like calcifer from howl’s moving castle)? a lot of people wait for that moment, but i know that kind of moment isn’t necessarily a big one. maybe for other people, sure, but for me, i think it’s a matter of turning my heart’s eye towards the things that matter... the little things. the small blessings. trying to change my thinking to see what i am grateful for, especially in this easter season.

it’s always been like that for me. i was reflecting the other day about the way that i love people— a quiet, silent reflection of the beautiful image they have been created in, a reflection of God. i will love you when you stand before me, laughing. i will love you when you walk before me in the setting sun. i will love you when we sit next to each other in silence, preoccupied by our phones. i will love you as you speak about your ambitions and your insecurities. i will love you as you stand and iron our laundry. i will love you as we toast our shot glasses to each other, cheering for our friendships.

i love quietly, i love silently. sometimes i voice it, sometimes i let you feel it. but for the most part, it’s a silent appreciation. isn’t that the way God loves us too? the way that he speaks to us and reveal himself to us? in the silence, he comes. some people hear him in their lives. some people feel the love so powerful, they weep. i’ve felt Him in those ways, too (adoration). so while i seek for Him in the little things, i am reminding myself to stay silent, to hear him in the stillness. there’s so much going on in the world right now, and in my life, that it’s difficult to drown out the white noise. but it’s an ongoing challenge that i’ve been on for a while, and have no plans on giving up on.

prayer has always been difficult for me... formal prayer at least.  i don’t have the discipline to sit and pray and keep concentrated for extended lengths of time, although i am trying. i find that my usual prayers are small, quick, and usually of thanksgiving (“thank you for getting me through this shift” “thank you for giving this patient a long life” “thank you for for the gift of  another day” “please give me the strength and patience to care for the sick today”) recently abby has been documenting things she is grateful for during this quarantine and i thought i might do the same too. look, i’ve turned back to this blog trying to do reflection, following along with the easter devotional (which i haven’t been consistent with lol).

my belief still remains the same, though. God is the only thing certain during these times of uncertainty.

comeback stage

It's been a year since i last posted on this blog and... 

2/3 RNs!!

so, so excited and happy for alana for passing!!! now that's 2/3 of "the triple a's"... actually, it's so exciting when i see my friends & nursing colleagues pass their nclex. after we all struggled in the same boat for 4 years, seeing each other successfully get through another hurdle is so fulfilling!

i didn't get to write about my nclex process and my feelings about the nclex (which was like 1.5 months ago!! WOW!) it was such a journey, and it was actually pretty fun! it gave me a purpose, a goal, and was an educational time killer especially when i was working up at the booth. so many days i would come home smelling like coffee after studying at starbucks-- thank you sbux @ milner & 401!!!-- but it was a great few weeks because i could slowly see and feel myself developing my ability to think like a nurse.

i didn't wanna tell anyone about my test date because i didn't want the pressure, i didn't want the attention. i just wanted to do this on my own & stay focused. i obviously told my family and thomason, and eventually i ended up telling my nursing friends and abby, but that's about it! at first my studying was so wishy washy-- inconsistent at best, listening to mark K and taking notes, and studying uworld on the bus through the phone app without internet so sometimes my answers wouldn't save, and i'm pretty sure my results were fudged as a result LOL. when i was up at the tetsu's booth in the food court, it was more doable because business was hella slow so i could print out notes, bring my phone charger, and just study.

then i went to vancouver in the beginning of july-- i finished my mark K lectures on the plane and just kinda forgot about things when i was there. even though i was supposed to go to the library to study more, those plans flopped, and instead i stayed at the airbnb and watched gam grumps LOL. after that, back in toronto, i told myself to get to the grind seriously. i begged james to give me less hours during this time and studied hardcore (that means full time studying-- almost 9-5, or at least just 8 hours or at lest 2-3 tests of 75 questions) for almost every day a week, and closer towards my test date my mind just plateaued.. i couldn't learn anymore! i think that same day i was so hungry and the AC in the sbux was so high and i froze that i literally felt like i had raynaud's syndrome lOL my fingers were burningggg and white and red. so we dipped and went to eat at ikea & thomason got the fish and chips and they were shit but i digress. the week before my test, i met up with Natalie and we studied together again and talked about her trip to vancouver, and she wished me luck!!

so after my UWORLD acc expired on july 27th i just chilled and did my thing and it was great! i felt confident and ready to just do my best! i asked Roe and Andrew to keep me in their prayers, took the sunday off before the 31st to goto church and thank God for my blessings up so far and for the blessing of his grace to keep me focused and assured during the test. then the day off i kept a rosary in my bag, my cross necklace secured around my neck, and a crucifix in my back pocket. my mom also took the day off because she had a hearing to attend re: the increases in tenant rent so she wished me good luck and gave me a hug, and i was on my way!

on the bus i did a whole rosary to keep me calm and relaxed. everyone was really friendly at the test center, i was asked to take off my necklace tho but i kept my crucifix hidden in my back pocket LOL. i had a runny nose and the exam proctor let me take in a handful of tissues, he was so kind, and then i sat and did my exam. at 75 questions the thing shut off and i let out a huge breath because i had a feeling... just an inkling that i did okay. sat through the case study (didn't know you could skip it), walked out of the test center, and headed over to thomason's house. there i tried the PVT trick (as skeptical as i was) and it was 'positive', but i obviously was not assured........

then on august 2nd, i came home and found the letter. i ripped open the envelope and ripped the whole thing and i told my dad and he cried!! hahaha. then i messaged abby, thomason, roe, and andrew. i told dad not to tell mom until i could tell them myself. so once everyone was home, i told them the news!! then i was okay with telling everyone else. then the next day we went camping aaaaand YEAH LOL that was it! i wrote my jurisprudence that thursday and applied for my police check. then a month later i was finally registered with the college! which was awesome.. i was finally, officially, Angelica Abad RN BScN.

---

that was it! Now i'm working hard to get myself a nice position. fixing my resume, cover letters, and CV and meeting up with a career specialist as recommended my mark's sister. hopefully i can start pumping out my top grade resumes, get through some interviews, i hope i get a job!!

ange meets world // ange vs the world // ange eat world

August draws to a close.

Friends are going back to school.

And I, I took the road less travelled by...

such a bizarre feeling knowing i'm not going back to school. it's definitely not the last time i'll be enrolled, because i know i'm go back to school for something (like a certificate course, for example) but this is it... 4 years and... it's time to pay back osap!!!!!! and questions of everyone asking if i've started looking for a job, the job hunt, etc. im on the right track, but i feel like i'm slowly becoming a to-do list person: in recent days, ive been making lists for all the things i need to get done, especially with registration, and it's somehow caught on and even therapeutic for me. 

to be quite honest, i've been feeling a little... stagnant, slow moving, and stuck in life? i can't quite place it right. i haven't even started my job search, and i have yet to do my G2. im working a boring ass job at tetsus, barely making back the money i've been spending (particularly on travelling, i've done my fair share of travelling this year) but... i dont know... i'm feeling unfulfilled? maybe in my relationships with other people? with my faith? my community? My part-time job? in enjoying the things i used to like doing, like writing, reading, and drawing?

i feel like i'm not quite there in the the things that i do, in each day that i live. my minds in a completely different place. like at graddies i was trying to catch up with allyson but my heart just wasn't in it (it could also just be because a loud house party was not the right place to talk about her pursuing her masters and our future plans). although, my heart wasn't really in it for the party too-- maybe i'm too old and have grown accustomed to enjoying time with smaller groups of people instead-- and neither is my excitement for pushing myself forward in my career. the drive has halted, the fire frozen. i'm not unmotivated, but just a little... hesitant? apprehensive? all i wanna do is sleep because i feel so tired all the time. am i depressed? lol no i don't think so.

i'm lacking that inspiration, and usually i draw my inspiration away from God. perhaps that's where this is all stemming. losing my Sundays with my mom and sister, going to church and then us hanging out afterwards which was my normal routine, or just losing my weekends in general and not being home to see them; could it be that? losing my normalcy and routine in the things that i love in lieu of earning money to pay off my debts-- is this what my future is going to be like? Or am i truly going to love my job, like i pray i will? or is it going to be anxiety inducing dread for every shift? will i bum out or will i hustle hard and lose the most precious days of my life? losing my friends and my life in the mess of 12 hrs shifts and in the pursue of advancing my career?

see, there's so many things i want the answers to. i need an outlet, like this blog, to be able to speak (or in this case, write) my thoughts out loud so i can better understand my thinking process and pick out what it is that i really, truly, want for and from myself. but sometimes i just get so lazy and i get stuck, and i dont know where to begin or what to write. but once i do, it just keeps coming (hence why every blog post is 100% my thoughts being translated directly into text) lmao. inconsistent, but genuineness as it's finest. and once in a while, nights like these are much needed-- dates with thomason, jathu, and christian. truly some of my favourite people to just kick it with, people who make me feel at ease after a stressful day of thinking too much about my future. 

wrote the nclex today

never even got to write about my graduation day! to sum up that day, i felt a lot of pressure being the first one of our program to cross that stage, but i was really stoked that we made it that far. i even wore my purple curtain tassles, like i said i would.

after that, i pretty much lost myself to studying for the NCLEX; although admittedly i wasn't that focused in the beginning. it was on and off/very casual studying at first, but eventually after vancouver i actually sat down and got back on the grind, doing 9-5 study sessions and working on the weekends, listening to lectures on my way to work and even on the treadmill at the gym.

i dont even know what to say about it, because i really don't know how well i did; i feel craptastic! it's extremely hard to judge my results from doing the test LOL. i feel like i failed. but we'll see once that letter comes in the mail!!! and that is about all that i wanna say about this.

Post-CLS Weekend ((THIS POST IS A MESS AND 100% ALL FEELS))

It's become a regular habit for me to search for and understand the why behind the things that happens in my life, big or small. Not in an overthinking manner per se, but more so trying to make sense of what I can learn from that experience, particularly from unsuccessful attempts (which is a euphemism for failure). 

Examples:

• On Victoria Day weekend, I was 5 seconds from missing the bus but thankfully I was able to /safely/ jaywalk across the street and catch the bus. Had I missed it, I would have been late for work. Why was I able to catch that bus? So I could get to work 10 minutes early, which would give me enough time to grab donuts for everyone working since we all knew it would be super busy and stressful-- sharing in the good karma is real, folks.

• Why am I doomed to work 11-8 shifts up in the booth like 90% of all my shifts?? So that I can get some studying done for the NCLEX, while making money to pay for said NCLEX and to invest in my future. It may be a boring and something redundant job that fails to challenge me or utilize my talents, but at least I'm making $15 for just doin' my own thing while selling cakes on the side :) 

• Why did I happen to bump into Alexis at Starbucks, and why did Bella message me asking if I was going to go, both which pretty much sealed my fate for going to CLS that weekend? TBH, I don't have the answer to that yet, but......................

post-vacation feels aka back 2 life

Dear diary.....

when i think back to our time on vacation, i wonder if i wasn't 'in the moment' enough. i tried to not touch my phone at all, or at least use the internet to go on social media, cuz i aint just paid 1k just to do things on the internet i could do at home, but still the 7 days went by soo quick, and the days oddly felt so... short? maybe it was because i was having a lot of fun that time slipped by without anyone noticing. i tried my best to preserve each day to my memory, so i can think back and remember what it was like to be sitting on the beach chairs, or eating dinner with my friends, or swimming in the ocean. despite initially being reluctant about this trip because of the $$ that came out of my savings fund, i thoroughly enjoyed it (minus being constipated) and did my best to make the most out of it, despite my fear of drowning and other things. to be honest i'm pretty psyched that i went and did the things i did-- swimming in the middle of the ocean, & even though it was shallow area, I STILL CRIED CUZ THE BOAT WAS DRIFTING DEEPER INTO THE WATER (bless that one guy's soul for noticing i was so scared and coming to be my 'water taxi' until it was shallow again), jumping off cliffs, snorkeling (even though i wish i could have gone into the deeper waters).. basically everything that had to do with water LOL. but even teaching myself to kind of float was pretty awesome too 😁

1 of my favourite parts was our photoshoot during the sunset-- i don't think anyone really understood or felt what i was seeing through my eyes at that point in time. that cast of blue, pink, and purple hues on everyone made it look eerily HIGH DEF, EVEN THOUGH SEEING LIFE THROUGH MY OWN DAMN EYES IS ALREADY HD... there was this surrealness to it that made me think, 'wow... God is so good'. each of the 8 people in front of me living completely unique lives and overlapping with mine through a friendship? simple and plain fun in taking photos on the beach? in fact, even seeing the vastness of that ocean was so overwhelming. it took me back to my cuba trip when i watched the ocean in the same manner, being pretty damn amazed that i was literally standing in a body of water so large, which means the earth is even larger, considering i took a mere 4 hr flight to be standing in a completely different country with an entirely different climate and culture and etc. etc... damn i still be thinking so pretentiously even on vacay? LOLjk no that was my revelation of my blessings being larger than life. God truly is so great.

i came home feeling nice and refreshed and excited for more travelling escapades in the future. i also came home sunburnt af and crispy with a scary amount of bug bites on my legs and a renewed sense of excitement for the future and rejuvenated love for my boyfriend, who i'm honestly really glad didn't come because i'm sure i had the most fun this way. I also came home to bare amount of shifts at tetsus. but this money is definitely going to be worth it-- it's a hard grind for a good future. my trust and faith in God still stands, although admittedly i haven't been getting acquainted with him as often as i used to or would like to, because of work. let's see what that CLS weekend will do to me lOL. but yeah... looking forward to my vancouver trip just as much, or maybe even more!! but gotta keep studying for the NCLEX lol!!!

My Friends Are Wholesome Memes!!!

i've never thought about using the word 'wholesome' to describe a person until only a few days ago, when james used 'wholesome' to describe one of our co-workers. i didn't think much of it at the time until today, days after that conversation, to realize what that word encapsulates in a person. wholesome is a great adjective to describe some of my friends (which i realize now that I've been using the word 'golden' to describe them the same way wholesome does). i love listening to other people and understanding the way they think and perceive things because I learn from it-- it challenges me to think a different way or to understand something i might not have made the effort to do before. and it's great because they're so full of ideas and every conversation has me learning something new about myself or about another person and going like, "damn I never thought of it that way!" (ex. how some people [who will not be mentioned] brush their teeth after they wake up rather than brushing it after they eat breakfast)

i've always liked james as a person and as a friend, not because i was his first love, but because he's actually a really decent guy! he's very understanding and down-to-earth but a lot of fun to be with. now that he's my boss and that i'm forced to see and talk to him more often and not by choice, the good things about him are more pronounced-- you can learn a lot about a person by their leadership style, and james is that boss who gets shit done, without having to shit on you. he actually makes an effort to put himself in your shoes and, unless you give him a really good reason to, will always make an effort to forgive. he's devoted to his friends and treats his good friends like family-- their friend group is so funny LOL i love hanging out with them. but all in all, at the end of the day, james is a good friend.

then i have friends like jathu and christian. hanging out with them is so fun because, as i was telling thomason, we all bring something different to the table. all our majors are completely different (history, nursing, math, and architecture) so we always have something different to talk about. not gonna lie, just listening to jathu talk about proofs and prime numbers was genuinely so interesting. and it's nice that even tho we all don't work at mcds anymore, we still make the effort to hang out! as individuals, jathu is a great storyteller and so full of life despite her short stature, good natured and with a big heart; she's 100% wholesome content. & there's christian who is genuinely a good guy who's so humble; he was also great as a TL when we worked at mcds. plus the way he makes an effort to hang out with his little brother is so sweet; 100% wholesome guy!

i dunno, maybe i am just drawn to the good side of people (isn't that why douche was part of my My5?) and it's not like i see them as ~*perfect*~ or ~*flawless*~, because 100% i know they're not.. but when all is said and done, these are the kinds of people i want to surround myself with.. it's like that saying how you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. maybe that's why i get shocked when people at this age still get caught up in petty high school-like drama, and why you won't see anyone like that in my social circle lmao. i've been thinking a lot about the social aspect of my life, but i'm pretty content with the people who i've been blessed to have met and kept close, despite the busy schedules.

a bigger world, a smaller circle

That late-night conversation yesterday with Abby and Thomason further reinforced something I realized at some point within the last 5 years: as my world grew bigger, my social circle grew smaller. And for a person like me, a cute gal who is rather reserved, that realization made me come to terms with a lot of things about myself. I mean, obviously, who doesn't want to have a lot of friends?? Who doesn't want to feel pretty important??  I used to wish to be like my sister who had so many friends and sat with the "cool kids" at school. I wanted people to notice me and realize how cool I can be as a person (albeit a bit dorky). I wanted to be invited to the parties and I wanted people to hit me up and have conversations with me, I wanted people to know what was up with me, I wanted them to miss me, et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah..

But understanding that by nature, I am not really a "people" person and lean more towards the introverted side, this wish wouldn't really benefit me at all. Getting to know a person, solid friendships, meaningful platonic relationships-- these were all really important things to me that I found great value in that I wouldn't be able to get if I had 239131 friends. Coming into university and literally having my world widen by a million horizons made me feel so small and meaningless, another cute Asian face in the crowd-- but that didn't bother me. Instead, I came to value my few close friendships more. Friends who I only see once a year in the summer; friends who understand that our relationship should not diminish because we do not talk or see each other as often as we'd like, but instead solidifies after all that time apart; friends who I truly connect with, heart-to-heart, and who I am truly able to be myself with and spill my heart and soul out to, where comfort comes so quickly and naturally in a safe space-- these are the friendships that I have come to cherish so much and have really helped me grow in the direction that I am happy to be going towards. There is only so much time I can invest in a friendship before I realize that we as people do not have that "click", that superficial and shallow small-talk conversations can only get us so far-- that time I can instead put towards other things to further improve myself, like AP points. HOWEVER, not to say that these people are not worth my time, but some people are just meant to be left as acquaintances y'know?

Admittedly, though, sometimes these thoughts and wishes still come back from time to time... after all, I am really cool...... and it sucks that people are missing out on this..... There are people who I would love to know more, because as acquaintances I had this feeling of "clicking" (I should totally make a word to describe this feeling. More on this another time) and I can see that there is a lot to learn from their stories and examples. But again, there are so many different types of relationships a person can make with other people of varying degrees and I myself have come to realize, embrace, and love the few people who can meet me half way and share a part of each of our lives with. I'm not one to openly talk about my feelings, my thoughts, or my opinions with other people unless I feel ready to ((HELL, I didn't even want to talk about my first kiss with Josh in grade 11 LMAO but Lord knows how much I cried to Abby about him when he broke my lil sweet maiden heart LMFAOOO)). But once you understand this, you just really stop giving a shit about what other people think of you & you stop vying for other people's attention. You no longer need other people to validate your coolness. In a world of 7 billion people, I don't need you to like me as a person, because with or without your opinion (which is obviously wrong), I'll still be the same person that I am who is awesome and kicking ass in the big ol' scary world.

So fuck u Josh A***a cus I am ur TOTGA

Spongebob Sweet Victory Original Video

oh man.... it's overwhelming to think that i'm pretty much done nursing school *sad face*. my last day of placement was bittersweet-- needless to say, some tears were shed ((i will not reveal who it was that cried, because it was definitely not me))-- but it was certainly a great way to end this chapter of my life. one of my greatest fears for 4th yr was that i'd end up with a shitty preceptor, but that was not the case at all. I had two amazing preceptors who were so supportive of me, believing in my ability to become a nurse and always making each clinical shift such a fun time. not only that, but my classroom teachers and faculty advisors have honestly made my time in this program a good one. having them believe in you and telling you that they can see nursing is my passion is so reassuring; their words and their faith in me push me to go even further. even all my friends and family who have supported me from the start, and thomason who has given me that support through the roughest and toughest of times, helped me come this far. had i gone into this program with no solid foundation of people cheering me on, i would have burnt out and crashed a long time ago.

i remember in the beginning, i doubted myself  A LOT. here i was, a shy and introverted girl with absolutely no connections to anyone in the nursing field and only had myself to rely on-- i had no idea that nursing went beyond the bedside, i had no idea it was a lot of work, i had no idea about any of the programs-- i blindly went in with nothing but me and my belief that nursing was my calling. such a feeble belief to base my future off of! but along the way, that belief led me to other things. it led me to discover, grow, and answer the calling of my faith, it led me to great friends and people that i've met in the program, it led me to thomason, it led me to my mentors, & it led me to trying to live my best life #bestlifeever each day. meeting patients and meeting other nurses and listening to their stories made me realize a lot about the important things in life.. things like CHILL OUT... don't be so serious all the time... have fun! that was one of the things i forgot over these 4 years, how to have fun, to loosen up and enjoy all the little things in life. and now, at the end of these 4 years, i can say that i've made a lot more connections that i would have ever imagined i would make. i've been able to reconnect with old friends, find common ground with new friends, meet and hear the stories of so many people who have helped me grow and challenge my own perspectives in life, and overall just grow as a person. and i'm just so excited to keep on movin forward.

here's to becoming a Registered Nurse!!!!

Europe - THE FINAL COUNTDOWN (with lyrics)

I always look so bobo in professional photos but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  only 8 more clinical shifts, 2 more assignments, and 1 final exam left before graduation!!!! #roadtograd 

wow, that #roadtograd hashtag brings me back to grade 12 when we were all struggling to meet deadlines and avoiding conditional zeroes and half-assing our assignments just to save our own asses from not getting accepted by our universities/colleges. and now we're here, at the end of our undergrad...... "TIME FLIES" is literally something I always say when i realize that another year of school has come and gone cus seriously it's bonkers to think that you blink once and you're already graduating lol.

not quite sure i know how to feel about the fact that i'm finally finished my time in the formal education system (unless I go back for a masters, but WHO KNOWS) and that the next step i take is as an adult into the professional world. it's like the final test is you being pushed into the water to see if you'll sink or swim. do i feel prepared? hell no.. but doesn't mean i'm not prepared to try my best to get my feet on the ground. 

and to think I was about to quit in 2nd year... haha

WEEK 6 WINTER SEM

4th year so far has been tough. it's been draining-- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. it's been so easy to just give up this semester and even having to always tell myself to keep pushing on has its limits. this whole consolidation thing is new, and it's heavy, and it's a lot to handle. So much so that i often feel this anxiety and dread before each shift, i find it hard to get out of bed, and that I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything i need to do. sometimes i find it much easier to avoid socialization and make a beeline through whatever it is i have for the day (Like class or errands), do whatever it is i gotta do then go straight to study bc it makes me feel like I have control over the way i manage my time and leave out the variability and the hassle & maximize productiveness. pretty sure people might think i'm cold or mean (tommy did at least haha), but thats my dutty lil secret: hermit isolation is my (horrible) way of trying to compensate and cope with my impending 4th years itis/burnout :-(

tommy brought up once how he feels like i have become "more mature" within the 2 years that we have been dating, and it made me think: had i studied something else, I probably wouldn't have put this many expectations on myself to become responsible, accountable, and professional in all aspects of my life. my choice to pursue nursing has really guided and shaped the kind of person i am, and i really don't know if it's a good or bad thing (Not to say i act like i have a stick up my ass all the time or anything, its just sometimes i'm so stressed about school that i cant tolerate thomason's childishness. but of course it's all love.) maybe it's just growing up: realizing what's important truly important, what parts of my life I can care a little less about, and thinking i was right about something but was actually totally wrong. you honestly never stop learning things about yourself, bc you're always changing and adapting to the circumstances as you age.

having poopy days always make you appreciate the little joys in life so much more.. and when i come home at the end of the day after a shift, I feel a little better. might have had a busy shift, i might have had some tough encounters that made me doubt myself, but there are some little moments that really make my heart full and refocused back on the end goal of God's calling. For example, singing and dancing with my residents even tho they all got some kind of dementia, seeing the funny ways the resident's interact and their mannerisms, or even looking behind me for a split second to see that one resident with Pick's disease walking alongside nanay, side by side, with his hand on her back like they were friends (omg just thinking about that 0.5 seconds glimpse i so happened to catch makes me teary eyed again) reminds me why i'm enjoying 4th year so much, even after all the emoness and complaining stuff. I truly am so grateful for this opportunity to become a nurse.

I was having a downer couple of days, but God never fails to keep sending me these reminders to keep my chin up when things get tough. even my FA told me I just need to have confidence in myself, and the rest will follow. I'm not one to rely on others for reassurance about myself, but hearing that from her alone once again helps burn the first that fuels my passion in nursing. Just like in Joshua 1:9: "Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go".

6 more weeks!!!!!!
#letsgeddit #shooturSHOT2k18 #classof2018

the purple tassels

moments of clarity where my life suddenly makes sense are so rare and short-lived. I had a moment like that on my 8pm commute home when I saw my tired face looking back at me through the reflection on the door windows.

Who am I looking at?
Or rather, who is the person looking back at me????

I had joined this ~*honour nursing society*~ without knowing what the hell it was, except that it was by invite only and supposedly some sort of prestigious nursing group. When I saw the invitation in my inbox, I was so confused. It was a total fluke, my grades and GPA just happened to be the way they were by chance and luck. I didn't pay much mind to it as I didn't care to join..... At least, in the beginning. But closer to the deadline of applications, something in my head was like, "Ange, I don't know what the hell this society is but maybe you should join in case you benefit from it in the future.. and it might look good on your resume". So I did! And I still don't know what to do with my membership. I got all this stuff in the mail from them that's literally sitting on my desk, collecting dust.

soooo I decided to go to an information meeting for this group today (which, by the way, still did not exactly clarify how this group works LOL ded). I did get to meet and hear the stories of RNs though. When I hear the stories of other nurses and their journey through their career, I am comforted by the thought that I'll also be okay after I graduate. I'm also reminded of what nursing means to me and what I've been working so hard for. They were selling these Sigma graduation tassels for $20, which was cute and all but I wasn't willing to dish out 20 bucks to look like a purple curtain. But something in my mind kept telling me, "Ange, just do it. Just buy it. When will you have a chance like this again?". So I caved. I bought the damn tassels, and I'm gonna look like a blue and purple curtain on my graduating day.

but on my way home, I started to think: why did I buy those tassels? Who knows– maybe this is me trying to justify my purchase– but I decided that these tassels are the representation of my struggles in this damn undergrad degree and a reminder of my end goal– to be able to serve those in need with kindness and compassion.. to truly nurse with heart as I've been called to do. I don't care that it's supposed to mean that I'm a member of Sigma Theta Tau, cuz I still don't know what the heck to do with that membership. No, these purple tassels are my tears, my stress, my anxieties, my doubts and insecurities, and all the challenges I have faced that I will wear proudly as I walk across that stage. It is a tangible reminder that God has walked alongside me all this time to bring me to this point. and as i realized this, i started to tear up. i'm so, SO close. this is where i ended up, this is where my journey has brought me so far. 

Nursing and the meaning it has on my life is not as impactful or dramatic as it may be for others. for example, other people become nurses because of their experiences in the hospital, their experiences will illness, they come from a families of nurses, etc. I had no idea the broad scope of practice and the many roles a nurse can have in healthcare until nursing school. But does it matter? comparing myself to my colleagues and their drive to become nurses is not going to help me. Instead, i should draw inspiration from their ambition to fuel my own. and that is what I got from today. even hearing successful stories from those i know who graduated from this program gives me hope. there are so many days where i feel ill-prepared and i know absolutely nothing as i transition into becoming an RN, and i know that school is only half the challenge. There will be so much more beyond this undergrad where I will fall and cry and struggle with depression and anxiety when things go wrong, but who's to say i won't be able to get through it? when I think about having God with me through all my hardships, I feel empowered and I feel like there's nothing I can't do. 

I am so proud of how far I've come as a person (although I obviously have so much more room for improvement). I've come from being someone so shy, timid, insecure, and afraid of being wrong into someone who is excited to learn and grow from a challenge, accepts failure, and pushes herself just to see what she can achieve. There is still a long way to go ahead of me, but each hardship I face will only benefit my development to become an even better version of myself and a reminder of God's calling.

And as this day comes to an end, I'm grateful for this realization. I want to remind myself something that often is forgotten and lost in the overwhelming mess of it all– that I'll be okay. I'll survive :)

did u really go to nursing school if u didnt have a mental breakdown

you don't truly have the post-secondary experience until you've had a mental breakdown-- ugly crying all night while painstakingly working on your assignments until 4am and waking up early with swollen n puffy eyes. & this is especially true with my experiences in nursing, and so only 3 weeks into my last semester did I have my tipping point where I just broke.

it was the stress of that week-- 4 assignments due that same day with barely enough time to work on it, hit with the news that my sister's boyfriend's mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my parents in the philippines and pretty much being alone at home and not seeing my family because of my placement hrs, the shitty weather, feeling that disconnect with my faith, getting sick with some nasty and weird virus that made me weak, tired, and feverish, and overall all that stress affecting my relationships, especially with tommy!! I was so overwhelmed with everything going on, that after studying with tommy on that Saturday, I left him and I actually broke, went straight to my room and cried while I tried to work on my assignment. I felt like flat out shit, and it's not something i've ever felt before. and usually i'm pretty good with taking a step back to breathe and reminding myself to take it one day at a time!! but that moment was the tipping point and i drowned in my anxiety and fears. feeling so low, and only 3 weeks in :(

the last time i had a breakdown was in second year, winter semester: when I struggled with scary and shitty clinical instructor(s) and constantly wondered if nursing was my calling, struggling with friggin Patho, and feeling trapped with my decision. It was a different kind of breakdown-- it was over the span of the 12 weeks, feeling depressed all the time, coping in unhealthy ways, but ultimately finding strength and healing in Tommy (s/o to my best friend). but whatever the way my breakdowns manifest themselves as, doesn't change the reality that it was an overwhelming and painful ordeal. i can't even imagine the pain and distress felt by those who feel this way on the daily. taking care of my mental health has become more important to me, as I'm stuck in this mindset that guilts myself when i choose something to relax rather than studying. i'm trying to fix that mindset, staying on the grind but also taking care of myself too! 

But you learn. its just another bump in the road-- the end goal will be worth it. That's what Andrew told me, and it is a good reminder of why I'm getting by through this hellish program. God has a plan for me, and I'll never doubt that *God's Plan plays in the bg* Suffering and sacrifices need to be made for the people and things that you love. 

keeping my chin up and my sights on the 8 weeks ahead of me... keep going, ange!!!!

discernment

yesterday left me feeling pretty overwhelmed for a few reasons. it only took a brief moment to recognize the big changes coming in my life for it to happen. nerve-wracking, yes, but at the same time extremely exciting!! i believe 2018 will be a pretty big year for me, and i'm pretty stoked to experience all the ups and downs through it all.

i had my placement orientation yesterday with 5 other year 4 nursing students and i'm pretty proud of myself for being the "ice breaker". i mean, i could have said nothing the whole time, but I realized these colleagues would be valuable assets now and even in the future, so I engaged them all into talking about school n stuff and even suggested making a group chat for us to brainstorm LP ideas since we would all be in the same placement (also lowkey, but i also want to be friends with these 2 guys bc one day i want to be invited to their nursing squad parties LOOOL they they seem lit!!!) 

but the orientation for this particular LTC home was interesting, because everyone was so friendly and they were passionate about their jobs! all the workers were smiling and very receptive to having students to teach, which was great. during the orientation i remember thinking why everyone dreaded LTC because this one seemed to be full of life!! 

I'm excited to start, as I have absolutely no expectations at all, and i promise to put in as much as i can and take every opportunity-- this is pretty much my last "safety" net i'll have before becoming a registered nurse. so fingers crossed i can keep up the momentum for my final 12 weeks. the one (kinda) downside to this is working evening shifts, meaning 3-11's.. and considering how often i'll be there, i probably may only see my family once or twice a week for the next 12 weeks which made me pretty sad. i felt like i took my family life for granted, as once i start working as a nurse i know my schedules will be pretty busy and long, many hours spent sleeping, which means i may not spend as much time with them as i would like to, now that i am older. the irony of life LOL but thats the way life goes. 

I texted my previous preceptor about it and he was super supportive (as usual). he told me how he may have another student,  and he's nervous about it, and it made me sad knowing that life goes on for everyone! the world doesn't revolve around me. i realized this after my trip to Cuba in first year, how life continues for everyone, whether you are there or not.. we are merely passing through this world, as my preceptor would say LOL. but yeah, i was a chapter in his mentoring career, and he was a chapter in my nursing career, and it's been such a blessing to have him there even beyond our time together. God has a funny (yet incredible) way of answering your prayers. if he does take on a student, i wish her all the best as she is so incredibly lucky to have an awesome preceptor for her consolidation. however, obviously once he gets a student i will not be his texting buddy LOL but i want to be able to go to Marmura after I graduate with him, maybe around the time i write my NCLEX, just for that extra boost. 

finally, the last thing that has been driving me nuts is the decision to quit my job. i've been praying and praying whether or not it is the best decision to leave. i don't like working there anymore, i don't get any hours, and I want to be able to have more time to study.. however, i need the money, primarily for bus fare and food. i need the money so that i don't have to rely on my family to supplement my income with an allowance, especially since my mom will be off work for a bit as her workplace undergoes construction. i think i can do it if I give myself $1000 to use for the next 4 months?? and then after school, as i find a nursing job, i'll take on a part-time somewhere also to supplement my nclex and jurisprudence fees n such, my G2 test, and my nclex study tools LOL, and study to write the NCLEX... find a job through the new grad guarantee... thinking about all these expenses make my head twirl. although i have an amount saved, i have promised myself not to touch it as it will be just enough to pay back my schooling fees. that means i have to be SUPER strict and frugal in the next 12 weeks or so.

SO YEAH that's how i've been feelin and what i've been thinkin, hbu

*john lennon voice* another year over, a new one just begun

I cannot remember most of 2017. not sure if that is a good or bad thing... sometimes i really feel like I have some kind of early onset dementia because it's becoming difficult to recall things from before (and yet bad memories are so vivid and fresh in my mind, how ironic). here is my attempt to collect my highlights and lowlights of this year:

• Early 2017:
• Continuing placement at SCHC: got new buddies (the health promotion students from centennial) for the semester, planned the (rather sad) international woman's day event, the goodbye potluck for the students, crying when i left the building lolz
• Leadership: made frenz with my group, passed the group project w an 80-ish, went to the nursing formal w them and had fun. Lol @ that time Alvin sat on his chocolate and it melted and it looked like he shit himself 
• Camping!! Went camping at Sauble Falls w my family during Victoria day weekend and it was extremely cold that one night, rained, the boys' tent got soaked, didn't get to go to tobermory though but went to sauble beach 
• Camp F.L.EX: my favourite YFL camp to serve at so far bc i was able to see the growth of my previous faci group (go Kat!!!) which was so inspiring, and met new friends!! to see Christ working in the youth is incredible to witness. 
• Passed the 1 year mark with Thomason, but not sure if we celebrated that....... uhh
• Went karaokeing w my mcdonalds friends, which made me realize how much I adore them all
• Summer 2017:
• I feel like i worked but not really? Worked at Indigo for a bit but quit after 3-4ish months. Did i work a lot in the summer? I feel like I did, my summer was uneventful. But indigo was a cool experience, they could have done more with the training and I didn't get my training for weeks despite me emailing them... 
• Went to the Bass Lake (?) w my pals! That was fun, went swimming w a tampon for the first time and I felt so powerful 
• Made Dean's List: that was my goal and I made it.. s/o to homelessness course! 
• Did a summer course, made no friends except 1 girl who stopped going after we became friends LOL.
• Volunteered a lot: SickKids (s/o to the secretary... whose name I forget but I can remember her face, sweet woman WITH THE BEST MIDDLE EASTERN COOKIES, and the the kids who had fun with me) & Holland Bloorview, fun experiences (even tho at holland bloorview I stopped going just bc the commute was a nightmare and I felt useless at times). 
• Working hours were odd bc of volunteering, so I didn't work as much as I should have. #teambrokeboiz
• came to speak at a post-secondary panel for a community center that helps newly immigrated filipinos transition in Canada, and met a good friend there, Andrew. 
• Had my first Onam w tommy and his mom!!! I love brown foodz
• September - Dec:
• met my preceptor and had an amazing placement experience.
• The strike happened, my assignments got ass grades (B's.... seriously I can never get A's in this damn course) 
• Went to the gym more... then quit Goodlife and went to Fit4Less
• My birthday & the scotiabank 5k (running it after a night of no sleep, no food, all alcohol is not recommended)! much love for my mcds homies.
• Bella's party --> so nice to see my yfl friends, and drink!!!!! s/o to allan for being a homie that has fun regardless of the circumstance, very rare to meet people like that who aren't trashy or ratchet.
• Accepted my invite to join Sigma Theta Tau but no idea if it will benefit me at all.
• Only 4 more months before graduation... woot. Made my FA cry for some reason, still convinced it is the spirit working in me 

Honestly, there was probably more, but overall 2017 was tame. A common trend I noticed is there there will be moments of motivation and passion, but then followed by periods of exhaustion. Hopefully in this new year I will be able to balance that and keep consistent, which will be necessary as I transition into the nursing profession (yikes!!) 

My 2018 goals (rather humble):

• Continue the pursuit of knowing God: serve at YFL camps, be more present during households/fellowships, transition into SFL (hopefully I'll have the time)
• graduate, pass the NCLEX, find a job
• Lose 5lbs (doable) and gain muscle (hopefully doable), maybe be able to squat more or build endurance for the next 10k (should i do it again?)
• Quit Woodside mcds, but save money.
• Glow up.. more
• Rekindle old friendships, get to know people better
• Finish Katamari damacy; cosplay as a Katamari cousin (I need this to happen)

I haven't really made any real goals yet, mostly because i'm not too sure what I want to achieve this year. Hopefully as time goes on I can shape these goals into something SMART, or identify more relevant goals for myself. Look at me, I'm starting to sound like a nursing school assignment. To whoever is reading this, I wish you success, good health, and blessings in 2018. 

"overwhelming passion"

"My philosophy of nursing is based on my belief that every client deserves treatment and care that upholds and respects the dignity and sanctity of human life. Regardless the circumstances, compassionate and holistic care should be the result of every nurse-client encounter. I believe that all individuals should be able to have unhindered access to comprehensive and individualized holistic care that is free from judgement and discrimination."

what i learned from my former mentor

it's hard to believe that our pre-consolidation semester is finally done!! all that's left for me is one exam tomorrow (that i am putting off studying for, clearly, by writing this post) and my fall semester evaluation for my nursing practice course. i've been in post-secondary for 4 years and it still surprises me how fast time goes by. it gets more and more bittersweet the closer we get to graduation-- emails reminding us to apply for graduation and to book our grad photos fill my inbox and it honestly gets me more and more pumped to cross that stage, shake hands and get my placeholder diploma, and wait for all my friends to do the same.

but before i get ahead of myself, i want to write a post dedicated to my former mentor and favourite preceptor, who i did not expect to impact my life so greatly. i've talked about him few times to those willing to listen, but i think the stories that i tell them barely scratch the surface. my preceptor (who i won't mention here in case someone googles his name and finds my blog LOL) was eager to guide and teach me from the get go. as soon as i arrived on the units, there was no "hello nice to meet you!"-- instead, there was just "i do things fast, so try your best to keep up"--until our break at 8:30. it was then when the introductions took place: the hugs, the cards, the treats, and the warm welcome. right at the beginning, i could tell how dedicated he was to his work, putting his patients first and celebrations for later.

He taught me more than just what he needed to as a nursing preceptor. Here are just a few of the (non-nursing related) things that I've learned during our time together:

1. The Importance of Squatting - I've had my gym membership with Goodlife for as almost as long as i've been working at mcdonalds, and that membership was not cheap. for a good few months there would be times where i would not go the gym at all. it almost feels like i've gone to the gym and actually worked out since september than i can remember from any other time of the year. it just so happened that as i began to push myself in the summer to go by myself to stay in shape (since april, my sister, and alanis all dropped their memberships to that gym), i also met my preceptor who is a super fitness freak. Squatting and gym jokes became part of our routine ("did you go to the gym this week?" "..." "i knew it"); it also motivated me to go, even when i didn't have the energy for it, just for the satisfaction of saying "yes i did". obviously, i didn't go to the gym for that reason alone. but it really gave me another push towards realizing how much i enjoy exercising and feeling strong! not to lose weight, but to reach my goal in building muscle to stop being a lanky bean so that i can do patient transfers with more confidence (since i'll be super deezed!)


2. Coordinating your Scrubs - as a student, we don't get much leeway to express ourselves in our uniform. it's an ill-fitting uniform at best (the v-neck scoop is too low to be practical and the crotch in the pants so awkward). however, literally every single day i came in for a shift, my preceptor was coordinated literally from head to toe. From the colour of the pen caps, to the colour of his pencil topper eraser, his lanyard, and even his shoe laces and socks.. i'm not even exaggerating, it was impressive. he says its because men don't have that much variety in scrubs, so he does his best to make it work. but his uniform has come up as a topic of conversation, even from the patients. sometimes i think about what kind of scrubs i want to wear when i can wear whatever i want-- might opt for something a lot more practical (i.e. a good fit, sans deep v neck line, lots of pockets) but might have to draw inspiration from how dedicated he was to getting every detail right. he says he does it to brighten the days of his patients. i admire that.


3. The Power of Prayer - from the looks of him, i wouldn't have expected him to be so devoted to his faith. but here we were, my second day there during our break, when he starts talking about how he got hit by car at age 14/15 somewhere along Birchmount Rd. when his life turned around and thus started his journey to pursue God. but it was amazing. his stories literally made me cry every single time. so tragic, so sad. you couldn't even tell this was his life when you see a guy who is also so happy and eager to help his patients. i was so intrigued to learn more & listen to his testimonies of faith, and i think that where the foundation of our friendship was developed. he taught me a lot of things surrounding our shared Catholic faith, and it came at a good time in my life. after going "wayward" (as he called it), halfway through this undergrad, doubting everything, doing things i couldn't imagine myself ever doing, and only starting to make my way back to him, i was really trying to get my feet back on the ground. trying to get a grasp on what it means to pursue holiness, to live that #BestLifeEver, seeking my purpose, and trying to make heads and tails of God's Love and His Plan for Me™. honestly i think he might have changed my life LOL. he's shown me to just be the best version of yourself. He's redefined what it means to F.L.EX, aka what it means to be a Faithful Living EXample. and i aspire to be as true to myself as i possibly can, even if it means people think i'm nutty for being a "Jesus Girl". the more you seek God, the more He will reveal Himself to you, and that is so rewarding in itself. "If God is for me, what can stand against me?"


4. Love is Sacrifice - "love is sacrifice." Nice, what movie did he steal that line from? But in all seriousness, hearing that from him moved me. considering his current situation in his marriage, i cried. Like a baby. Love truly is sacrifice. He respects the sanctity of marriage so much so that he's done so much for the sake of keeping his family together. i wonder how he hasn't broken into pieces yet, when he's stretched so thin. it's dedication, it's pain, it's sacrifice. when he says things like, "i would have left my wife a long time ago..." or, "she's free to leave whenever she wants" or even, "it's painful getting the cold shoulder for 14 years, but i know it's the illness", it breaks my heart. He says,  marry a person because you love them for who they are, not because you want to change them. Love them through sickness and in health. and his dedication and his love for his wife and family despite the hardships is an example of that sacrifice. 


5. Not Everyone is Perfect - despite how much i admire him, i know he's not perfect. Heck, when we went to watch Thor, he fought with a lady to move over from our AVX reserved seats even though the theatre was hella empty. even though he squats and lifts and bench presses at Fit4Less at the ungodly hour of 4AM, i know he is far from perfect. i can tell how much hurt and sorrow and regret and burden he carries on his shoulders, but this man does it all for God. how incredible is that?? even in his nursing practice, as awesome as he is, he makes mistakes too. he gets frustrated with the politics of the workplace, he gets frustrated with nurses who complain instead of getting work done, he gets frustrated with American doctors who prescribe stool softeners and laxatives for all their patients which means we have to change incontinent briefs too frequently for whats supposed to be a "Cardiac Services" floor. getting that text from him, "hey feeling sad and depressed. not sure if nursing is for me anymoe.." made me feel so sad because even the best of the best have it hard. Those who are so dedicated to what they do get worn down, battered, and exhausted. It's human. 

after all that's said and done, i wish i could go back in time and appreciate every single moment even more. Never would i have found such a meaningful friend in him. I tried my best not to take it all for granted, considering how fulfilling of an experience my time was on that team & unit. but as he said, God is calling for the next chapter to happen in my life, so who am I to stop Him? i've learned all that i could under his mentorship, and i know our friendship will go beyond be passing the NCLEX and getting my RN. i look forward to even texting him the link to my convocation live stream, just so he can watch me get my diploma LOL. our time together has only fueled my excitement for the future even more, & because of that, my heart is so full.

Thank you for everything. 

1 more clinical shift!

it's been a busy past few weeks, but to be honest it feels really awesome to look back on my progress and see my accomplishments in how far i've come. it may seem silly or something that a 2nd year would say, but i feel proud when i do a skill correctly and confidently. i also feel proud when i delegated a task from a second year, or tried to involve them in the care. i also felt great when i was able to draw together information and come to an accurate clinical judgements and decisions (even something as simple as understanding that a pt on blood thinners would bleed more and so more pressure needs to be applied upon catheter removal-- which no one told me!! and i figured out after she started bleeding all over my gloves and through the gauze).

while i know i am far from ready, i am trying to keep my hopes up in the coming future. the consolidation semester is fast approaching, and I really need to step up my game in being able to conduct myself and think like a nurse... no longer a nursing student, but a nurse! fingers crossed that the preceptor and placement that i get will be amazing, although I have no doubt in God's plan after my experience with Roe and T-9. i realize that, coming so close to graduation and to the ""Adult life"" of a career (peace out mcdonalds!!!) that there is a need for me to live up to that responsibility. which means i need to conduct myself professionally more i.e. going to networking events, connecting with my profs, stop being shy

4th year is a transition that, although a year long, is going by so fast. considering i feel like i have just graduated high school not too long ago, and look even moreso, it can be pretty daunting. but i have all my trust in the Lord in good things to come-- which may not be easy, of course-- and to Him be all the glory in my successes, failures, and hardships. because i know they're all lessons to learn from.