That late-night conversation yesterday with Abby and Thomason further reinforced something I realized at some point within the last 5 years: as my world grew bigger, my social circle grew smaller. And for a person like me, a cute gal who is rather reserved, that realization made me come to terms with a lot of things about myself. I mean, obviously, who doesn't want to have a lot of friends?? Who doesn't want to feel pretty important?? I used to wish to be like my sister who had so many friends and sat with the "cool kids" at school. I wanted people to notice me and realize how cool I can be as a person (albeit a bit dorky). I wanted to be invited to the parties and I wanted people to hit me up and have conversations with me, I wanted people to know what was up with me, I wanted them to miss me, et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah..
But understanding that by nature, I am not really a "people" person and lean more towards the introverted side, this wish wouldn't really benefit me at all. Getting to know a person, solid friendships, meaningful platonic relationships-- these were all really important things to me that I found great value in that I wouldn't be able to get if I had 239131 friends. Coming into university and literally having my world widen by a million horizons made me feel so small and meaningless, another cute Asian face in the crowd-- but that didn't bother me. Instead, I came to value my few close friendships more. Friends who I only see once a year in the summer; friends who understand that our relationship should not diminish because we do not talk or see each other as often as we'd like, but instead solidifies after all that time apart; friends who I truly connect with, heart-to-heart, and who I am truly able to be myself with and spill my heart and soul out to, where comfort comes so quickly and naturally in a safe space-- these are the friendships that I have come to cherish so much and have really helped me grow in the direction that I am happy to be going towards. There is only so much time I can invest in a friendship before I realize that we as people do not have that "click", that superficial and shallow small-talk conversations can only get us so far-- that time I can instead put towards other things to further improve myself, like AP points. HOWEVER, not to say that these people are not worth my time, but some people are just meant to be left as acquaintances y'know?
Admittedly, though, sometimes these thoughts and wishes still come back from time to time... after all, I am really cool...... and it sucks that people are missing out on this..... There are people who I would love to know more, because as acquaintances I had this feeling of "clicking" (I should totally make a word to describe this feeling. More on this another time) and I can see that there is a lot to learn from their stories and examples. But again, there are so many different types of relationships a person can make with other people of varying degrees and I myself have come to realize, embrace, and love the few people who can meet me half way and share a part of each of our lives with. I'm not one to openly talk about my feelings, my thoughts, or my opinions with other people unless I feel ready to ((HELL, I didn't even want to talk about my first kiss with Josh in grade 11 LMAO but Lord knows how much I cried to Abby about him when he broke my lil sweet maiden heart LMFAOOO)). But once you understand this, you just really stop giving a shit about what other people think of you & you stop vying for other people's attention. You no longer need other people to validate your coolness. In a world of 7 billion people, I don't need you to like me as a person, because with or without your opinion (which is obviously wrong), I'll still be the same person that I am who is awesome and kicking ass in the big ol' scary world.
So fuck u Josh A***a cus I am ur TOTGA
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