4th year so far has been tough. it's been draining-- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. it's been so easy to just give up this semester and even having to always tell myself to keep pushing on has its limits. this whole consolidation thing is new, and it's heavy, and it's a lot to handle. So much so that i often feel this anxiety and dread before each shift, i find it hard to get out of bed, and that I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything i need to do. sometimes i find it much easier to avoid socialization and make a beeline through whatever it is i have for the day (Like class or errands), do whatever it is i gotta do then go straight to study bc it makes me feel like I have control over the way i manage my time and leave out the variability and the hassle & maximize productiveness. pretty sure people might think i'm cold or mean (tommy did at least haha), but thats my dutty lil secret: hermit isolation is my (horrible) way of trying to compensate and cope with my impending 4th years itis/burnout :-(
tommy brought up once how he feels like i have become "more mature" within the 2 years that we have been dating, and it made me think: had i studied something else, I probably wouldn't have put this many expectations on myself to become responsible, accountable, and professional in all aspects of my life. my choice to pursue nursing has really guided and shaped the kind of person i am, and i really don't know if it's a good or bad thing (Not to say i act like i have a stick up my ass all the time or anything, its just sometimes i'm so stressed about school that i cant tolerate thomason's childishness. but of course it's all love.) maybe it's just growing up: realizing what's important truly important, what parts of my life I can care a little less about, and thinking i was right about something but was actually totally wrong. you honestly never stop learning things about yourself, bc you're always changing and adapting to the circumstances as you age.
having poopy days always make you appreciate the little joys in life so much more.. and when i come home at the end of the day after a shift, I feel a little better. might have had a busy shift, i might have had some tough encounters that made me doubt myself, but there are some little moments that really make my heart full and refocused back on the end goal of God's calling. For example, singing and dancing with my residents even tho they all got some kind of dementia, seeing the funny ways the resident's interact and their mannerisms, or even looking behind me for a split second to see that one resident with Pick's disease walking alongside nanay, side by side, with his hand on her back like they were friends (omg just thinking about that 0.5 seconds glimpse i so happened to catch makes me teary eyed again) reminds me why i'm enjoying 4th year so much, even after all the emoness and complaining stuff. I truly am so grateful for this opportunity to become a nurse.
I was having a downer couple of days, but God never fails to keep sending me these reminders to keep my chin up when things get tough. even my FA told me I just need to have confidence in myself, and the rest will follow. I'm not one to rely on others for reassurance about myself, but hearing that from her alone once again helps burn the first that fuels my passion in nursing. Just like in Joshua 1:9: "Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go".
6 more weeks!!!!!!
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