Hey blog/internet/world, it's me again!!! It's been a year and a few months since my last blog post which pretty much seems to be the norm ever since I've started working. I've gotten out of touch with blogging and writing my feelings down but with everything that's been happening lately, I feel like it's about time for me to get back into it. It was most certainly therapeutic for me to write down my thoughts and feeling of the things I've been experiencing either after processing them (in which case I'd be able to actually eloquently write them down in pretentious sounding sentences and paragraphs, such as these) or in the spur of the moment where I'd literally just be typing the first thing that would come to mind and just let my inner monologue out. Lately I think I'll probably take a hybrid approach, where I'll just do both, depending on my mood. Either way, they were both means for me to healthily cope and explore my thought process and reactions to these life events-- I don't want to pull another "beach day sulking" ever again lol.
This blog posts comes 1 day after my 3 year RN-versary. To keep you up to speed, I finally left 5W and transferred to the NRT float pool. At some point after our second COVID outbreak on the unit, and after working doubles and hours and hours of OT later, I started to become depressed again and would always pop in on the internal job postings, looking for a way out. I applied for the ICU and 4W orthopedics, both of which I ended up turning down for the NRT. And even though it's only been 3 weeks since I've left, I can confidently say that 5W is on its way, or already is, to being a shambling, crumbling unit. It's officially become a general medicine unit so now it's seeing much more than just delirium, UTI, and syncope/falls patients. Which would be fine if it wasn't always so short staffed. Because it's short staffed, the new staff that management hires will finish their orientation then start working on their own, drowning in their heavy assignment, then quit because they cannot handle it. I know this because they pulled me from my orientation on Friday to work on 5W and I worked with some new hires who I saw struggling with their work as I, of course, struggle with mine.
Here's an excerpt from a draft I wrote and never seemed to finish in September 2020 after getting depressed about work:
The misery of being a nurse is one that can only be known and understood by those who have experienced it. I see nursing students on my unit and see the shine of excitement in their eyes and I think— when did I lose mine?
There are days when I absolutely despise my job, where within 10 minutes of stepping onto the floor the shift is already a shit show. I hate the added responsibility of being in charge (everyone knows this). The profession I once believed to be a vocation for me simply becomes a job for a pay check. I’ll work consecutive 12 hour shifts and spend my days off recovering all the mental and physical energy I have spent until it’s time to go back to work. I’ll have days where I just don’t want to talk to anyone, but find myself having to spend hours speaking to family members on the phone and answering their questions.
But despite this, it’s hard to want to completely go cold turkey and switch careers.
I’ll outright say I hate nursing... But I don’t actually completely hate it to its core. Bedside nursing can be a nightmare but it’s rewarding for sure. I’ve had plenty of times during my 1.5 years of working that continue to remind me why I got into this career. The positives of it are small, passing moments that are easy to miss; they are things you only come to appreciate in retrospect. They come as the privilege of being able to care for a dying patient, the sincere expression of thanks from a tired family member, and the celebration of your coworker’s successes.
The hardest thing about it, though, is tending to the fine line of your mental health. We give so much of ourselves to others that we are at high risk of burning out. I experienced my first bout of burnout syndrome not too long ago— felt hopeless, miserable, and highly emotional.
Choosing to leave for the NRT was one of the better decisions I've made in my career. I became too comfortable (albeit depressed) working there. I forced myself to rethink my purpose, my goals, and my potential for the future and got my ass out of there. The NRT will be a great gateway for me to really explore what I want to do in nursing. For example, psych nursing is not for me but I definitely respect these nurses for what they have to go through. I still would love to get my Masters in UBC, work a little bit there, and possibly eventually pursue teaching here at home. When I become old and achy, even though I'm already old and achy, then I'll move to less physically demanding work. But of course, life never goes according to plan. We'll just have to wait and see what'll happen to Future Ange. Knowing her, she'll probably come back and write again in a year and half. I'm hoping in the short term future, my mental health will be better taken care of, my finances will be in order, and my physical shape will no longer look like a blob. #fighting
