did u really go to nursing school if u didnt have a mental breakdown

you don't truly have the post-secondary experience until you've had a mental breakdown-- ugly crying all night while painstakingly working on your assignments until 4am and waking up early with swollen n puffy eyes. & this is especially true with my experiences in nursing, and so only 3 weeks into my last semester did I have my tipping point where I just broke.

it was the stress of that week-- 4 assignments due that same day with barely enough time to work on it, hit with the news that my sister's boyfriend's mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my parents in the philippines and pretty much being alone at home and not seeing my family because of my placement hrs, the shitty weather, feeling that disconnect with my faith, getting sick with some nasty and weird virus that made me weak, tired, and feverish, and overall all that stress affecting my relationships, especially with tommy!! I was so overwhelmed with everything going on, that after studying with tommy on that Saturday, I left him and I actually broke, went straight to my room and cried while I tried to work on my assignment. I felt like flat out shit, and it's not something i've ever felt before. and usually i'm pretty good with taking a step back to breathe and reminding myself to take it one day at a time!! but that moment was the tipping point and i drowned in my anxiety and fears. feeling so low, and only 3 weeks in :(

the last time i had a breakdown was in second year, winter semester: when I struggled with scary and shitty clinical instructor(s) and constantly wondered if nursing was my calling, struggling with friggin Patho, and feeling trapped with my decision. It was a different kind of breakdown-- it was over the span of the 12 weeks, feeling depressed all the time, coping in unhealthy ways, but ultimately finding strength and healing in Tommy (s/o to my best friend). but whatever the way my breakdowns manifest themselves as, doesn't change the reality that it was an overwhelming and painful ordeal. i can't even imagine the pain and distress felt by those who feel this way on the daily. taking care of my mental health has become more important to me, as I'm stuck in this mindset that guilts myself when i choose something to relax rather than studying. i'm trying to fix that mindset, staying on the grind but also taking care of myself too! 

But you learn. its just another bump in the road-- the end goal will be worth it. That's what Andrew told me, and it is a good reminder of why I'm getting by through this hellish program. God has a plan for me, and I'll never doubt that *God's Plan plays in the bg* Suffering and sacrifices need to be made for the people and things that you love. 

keeping my chin up and my sights on the 8 weeks ahead of me... keep going, ange!!!!