Post-CLS Weekend ((THIS POST IS A MESS AND 100% ALL FEELS))

It's become a regular habit for me to search for and understand the why behind the things that happens in my life, big or small. Not in an overthinking manner per se, but more so trying to make sense of what I can learn from that experience, particularly from unsuccessful attempts (which is a euphemism for failure). 

Examples:

• On Victoria Day weekend, I was 5 seconds from missing the bus but thankfully I was able to /safely/ jaywalk across the street and catch the bus. Had I missed it, I would have been late for work. Why was I able to catch that bus? So I could get to work 10 minutes early, which would give me enough time to grab donuts for everyone working since we all knew it would be super busy and stressful-- sharing in the good karma is real, folks.

• Why am I doomed to work 11-8 shifts up in the booth like 90% of all my shifts?? So that I can get some studying done for the NCLEX, while making money to pay for said NCLEX and to invest in my future. It may be a boring and something redundant job that fails to challenge me or utilize my talents, but at least I'm making $15 for just doin' my own thing while selling cakes on the side :) 

• Why did I happen to bump into Alexis at Starbucks, and why did Bella message me asking if I was going to go, both which pretty much sealed my fate for going to CLS that weekend? TBH, I don't have the answer to that yet, but......................

The fact that I was planning to go to this retreat alone, not knowing anyone, not bringing a safety net with me, was such a milestone in itself. I absolutely hate pushing myself out of my comfort zone (but let's be real: who the hell really does) but I did!!..... It just happened that people I knew also went LOL. I went into the weekend with no expectations; I didn't know what I wanted to get out of it. Maybe a new revelation in my faith journey? Maybe meeting more like minded people like me? Maybe a big sign from God telling me to stop being a shy little bitch? Even though I was 100% open, something felt... odd. I didn't cry that weekend, surprisingly (sans the pray-over part, but those are tears from feeling overwhelmed); I jokingly told Bella "I probably didn't sin enough". Even though I said I went into this weekend with no expectations, maybe I really did-- maybe I really did expect to finish the retreat on Sunday feeling replenished, my plateauing faith once again reinvigorated with such conviction and passion that I can't stop dancing and singing and smiling the same was Miriam did under Pharaoh's rule and like that scene from The Prince of Egypt. 

But naww. I feel ~*the same*~. Was I not open enough to receiving His holy Gospel? Is my soul so stained with sin and nastiness, my ears clogged ear wax, my heart burdened by atherosclerotic plaque that the Holy Spirit couldn't reach me? Is my subconscious low-key thinking that this community feels like an inclusive cult that, as much as I try, cannot really feel comfortably a part of? Or am I failing to see the point of all this? Why am I continuing to wish to be on the 'ins' of the cool friends-- maybe I'm disillusioned by that feeling of belonging that I had in the beginning of this community? I know I keep telling myself that I love myself as I am and affirm that I am a COOL GURL *jerome voice*, but I know, deep deep deep down, underneath all that shitload of denial, I still want to be part of that crowd; I want to go those parties, I want to have late night conversations with them, I want to be a part of those inside jokes, I want to have homies who are like me: Love God but also Love Having a Good Time while Loving Each Other. 

SO TL;DR WHAT IS THE WHY OF ME FEELING THIS WAY?

HONESTLY.... I don't know!!!!!!!! This feeling is so consistent but I dare not outright acknowledge it because of my pride and fear LOL (even though I literally just kinda did in this post). This whole post is a huge friggen mess, I WANT TO WRITE IN PROPER ENGLISH BUT SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T SO I TYPE THE SAME WAY THAT I WOULD SPEAK and it's exhausting LOL @God AM I NOT MEANT TO FIT IN WITH THESE PEOPLE?? WHY CANT THESE PPL LOVE ME!! DO THEY NOT REALIZE I AM CURRENTLY LIVIN VICARIOUSLY THRU THEIR INSTA/SNAP STORIES OF THEIR TRIP TO HAWAII?? AM I FOMO-ING FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT ME? WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER? WH----

They say your faith and your relationship with God is a journey. For me, I think I just have too much pride. Or I'm reluctant to give God the wheel of my life and surrender it all up to him.. I'm pining too much over wanting things to happen in my way, wishing things were different right now. I can say I know God has a plan for me, but I am impatient! I do not want to wait for things to change, I want it now, that instant gratification. I want to feel that inclusion in a community that I don't feel on a larger scale. That I didn't feel that fall-on-your-knees, life is awesome feeling that you submit to when God's grace crashes down on you, like I used to. And i know why, and it's hard for me to address it and change it, clearly as you can see from this totally incoherent post. But I just gotta take a step back, breathe, and pray. Just pray Ange!!!! sincerely! just as the serenity prayer goes:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.