Friends are going back to school.
And I, I took the road less travelled by...
such a bizarre feeling knowing i'm not going back to school. it's definitely not the last time i'll be enrolled, because i know i'm go back to school for something (like a certificate course, for example) but this is it... 4 years and... it's time to pay back osap!!!!!! and questions of everyone asking if i've started looking for a job, the job hunt, etc. im on the right track, but i feel like i'm slowly becoming a to-do list person: in recent days, ive been making lists for all the things i need to get done, especially with registration, and it's somehow caught on and even therapeutic for me.
to be quite honest, i've been feeling a little... stagnant, slow moving, and stuck in life? i can't quite place it right. i haven't even started my job search, and i have yet to do my G2. im working a boring ass job at tetsus, barely making back the money i've been spending (particularly on travelling, i've done my fair share of travelling this year) but... i dont know... i'm feeling unfulfilled? maybe in my relationships with other people? with my faith? my community? My part-time job? in enjoying the things i used to like doing, like writing, reading, and drawing?
i feel like i'm not quite there in the the things that i do, in each day that i live. my minds in a completely different place. like at graddies i was trying to catch up with allyson but my heart just wasn't in it (it could also just be because a loud house party was not the right place to talk about her pursuing her masters and our future plans). although, my heart wasn't really in it for the party too-- maybe i'm too old and have grown accustomed to enjoying time with smaller groups of people instead-- and neither is my excitement for pushing myself forward in my career. the drive has halted, the fire frozen. i'm not unmotivated, but just a little... hesitant? apprehensive? all i wanna do is sleep because i feel so tired all the time. am i depressed? lol no i don't think so.
i'm lacking that inspiration, and usually i draw my inspiration away from God. perhaps that's where this is all stemming. losing my Sundays with my mom and sister, going to church and then us hanging out afterwards which was my normal routine, or just losing my weekends in general and not being home to see them; could it be that? losing my normalcy and routine in the things that i love in lieu of earning money to pay off my debts-- is this what my future is going to be like? Or am i truly going to love my job, like i pray i will? or is it going to be anxiety inducing dread for every shift? will i bum out or will i hustle hard and lose the most precious days of my life? losing my friends and my life in the mess of 12 hrs shifts and in the pursue of advancing my career?
see, there's so many things i want the answers to. i need an outlet, like this blog, to be able to speak (or in this case, write) my thoughts out loud so i can better understand my thinking process and pick out what it is that i really, truly, want for and from myself. but sometimes i just get so lazy and i get stuck, and i dont know where to begin or what to write. but once i do, it just keeps coming (hence why every blog post is 100% my thoughts being translated directly into text) lmao. inconsistent, but genuineness as it's finest. and once in a while, nights like these are much needed-- dates with thomason, jathu, and christian. truly some of my favourite people to just kick it with, people who make me feel at ease after a stressful day of thinking too much about my future.
i feel like i'm not quite there in the the things that i do, in each day that i live. my minds in a completely different place. like at graddies i was trying to catch up with allyson but my heart just wasn't in it (it could also just be because a loud house party was not the right place to talk about her pursuing her masters and our future plans). although, my heart wasn't really in it for the party too-- maybe i'm too old and have grown accustomed to enjoying time with smaller groups of people instead-- and neither is my excitement for pushing myself forward in my career. the drive has halted, the fire frozen. i'm not unmotivated, but just a little... hesitant? apprehensive? all i wanna do is sleep because i feel so tired all the time. am i depressed? lol no i don't think so.
i'm lacking that inspiration, and usually i draw my inspiration away from God. perhaps that's where this is all stemming. losing my Sundays with my mom and sister, going to church and then us hanging out afterwards which was my normal routine, or just losing my weekends in general and not being home to see them; could it be that? losing my normalcy and routine in the things that i love in lieu of earning money to pay off my debts-- is this what my future is going to be like? Or am i truly going to love my job, like i pray i will? or is it going to be anxiety inducing dread for every shift? will i bum out or will i hustle hard and lose the most precious days of my life? losing my friends and my life in the mess of 12 hrs shifts and in the pursue of advancing my career?
see, there's so many things i want the answers to. i need an outlet, like this blog, to be able to speak (or in this case, write) my thoughts out loud so i can better understand my thinking process and pick out what it is that i really, truly, want for and from myself. but sometimes i just get so lazy and i get stuck, and i dont know where to begin or what to write. but once i do, it just keeps coming (hence why every blog post is 100% my thoughts being translated directly into text) lmao. inconsistent, but genuineness as it's finest. and once in a while, nights like these are much needed-- dates with thomason, jathu, and christian. truly some of my favourite people to just kick it with, people who make me feel at ease after a stressful day of thinking too much about my future.
