the purple tassels

moments of clarity where my life suddenly makes sense are so rare and short-lived. I had a moment like that on my 8pm commute home when I saw my tired face looking back at me through the reflection on the door windows.

Who am I looking at?
Or rather, who is the person looking back at me????

I had joined this ~*honour nursing society*~ without knowing what the hell it was, except that it was by invite only and supposedly some sort of prestigious nursing group. When I saw the invitation in my inbox, I was so confused. It was a total fluke, my grades and GPA just happened to be the way they were by chance and luck. I didn't pay much mind to it as I didn't care to join..... At least, in the beginning. But closer to the deadline of applications, something in my head was like, "Ange, I don't know what the hell this society is but maybe you should join in case you benefit from it in the future.. and it might look good on your resume". So I did! And I still don't know what to do with my membership. I got all this stuff in the mail from them that's literally sitting on my desk, collecting dust.

soooo I decided to go to an information meeting for this group today (which, by the way, still did not exactly clarify how this group works LOL ded). I did get to meet and hear the stories of RNs though. When I hear the stories of other nurses and their journey through their career, I am comforted by the thought that I'll also be okay after I graduate. I'm also reminded of what nursing means to me and what I've been working so hard for. They were selling these Sigma graduation tassels for $20, which was cute and all but I wasn't willing to dish out 20 bucks to look like a purple curtain. But something in my mind kept telling me, "Ange, just do it. Just buy it. When will you have a chance like this again?". So I caved. I bought the damn tassels, and I'm gonna look like a blue and purple curtain on my graduating day.

but on my way home, I started to think: why did I buy those tassels? Who knows– maybe this is me trying to justify my purchase– but I decided that these tassels are the representation of my struggles in this damn undergrad degree and a reminder of my end goal– to be able to serve those in need with kindness and compassion.. to truly nurse with heart as I've been called to do. I don't care that it's supposed to mean that I'm a member of Sigma Theta Tau, cuz I still don't know what the heck to do with that membership. No, these purple tassels are my tears, my stress, my anxieties, my doubts and insecurities, and all the challenges I have faced that I will wear proudly as I walk across that stage. It is a tangible reminder that God has walked alongside me all this time to bring me to this point. and as i realized this, i started to tear up. i'm so, SO close. this is where i ended up, this is where my journey has brought me so far. 

Nursing and the meaning it has on my life is not as impactful or dramatic as it may be for others. for example, other people become nurses because of their experiences in the hospital, their experiences will illness, they come from a families of nurses, etc. I had no idea the broad scope of practice and the many roles a nurse can have in healthcare until nursing school. But does it matter? comparing myself to my colleagues and their drive to become nurses is not going to help me. Instead, i should draw inspiration from their ambition to fuel my own. and that is what I got from today. even hearing successful stories from those i know who graduated from this program gives me hope. there are so many days where i feel ill-prepared and i know absolutely nothing as i transition into becoming an RN, and i know that school is only half the challenge. There will be so much more beyond this undergrad where I will fall and cry and struggle with depression and anxiety when things go wrong, but who's to say i won't be able to get through it? when I think about having God with me through all my hardships, I feel empowered and I feel like there's nothing I can't do. 

I am so proud of how far I've come as a person (although I obviously have so much more room for improvement). I've come from being someone so shy, timid, insecure, and afraid of being wrong into someone who is excited to learn and grow from a challenge, accepts failure, and pushes herself just to see what she can achieve. There is still a long way to go ahead of me, but each hardship I face will only benefit my development to become an even better version of myself and a reminder of God's calling.

And as this day comes to an end, I'm grateful for this realization. I want to remind myself something that often is forgotten and lost in the overwhelming mess of it all– that I'll be okay. I'll survive :)

did u really go to nursing school if u didnt have a mental breakdown

you don't truly have the post-secondary experience until you've had a mental breakdown-- ugly crying all night while painstakingly working on your assignments until 4am and waking up early with swollen n puffy eyes. & this is especially true with my experiences in nursing, and so only 3 weeks into my last semester did I have my tipping point where I just broke.

it was the stress of that week-- 4 assignments due that same day with barely enough time to work on it, hit with the news that my sister's boyfriend's mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my parents in the philippines and pretty much being alone at home and not seeing my family because of my placement hrs, the shitty weather, feeling that disconnect with my faith, getting sick with some nasty and weird virus that made me weak, tired, and feverish, and overall all that stress affecting my relationships, especially with tommy!! I was so overwhelmed with everything going on, that after studying with tommy on that Saturday, I left him and I actually broke, went straight to my room and cried while I tried to work on my assignment. I felt like flat out shit, and it's not something i've ever felt before. and usually i'm pretty good with taking a step back to breathe and reminding myself to take it one day at a time!! but that moment was the tipping point and i drowned in my anxiety and fears. feeling so low, and only 3 weeks in :(

the last time i had a breakdown was in second year, winter semester: when I struggled with scary and shitty clinical instructor(s) and constantly wondered if nursing was my calling, struggling with friggin Patho, and feeling trapped with my decision. It was a different kind of breakdown-- it was over the span of the 12 weeks, feeling depressed all the time, coping in unhealthy ways, but ultimately finding strength and healing in Tommy (s/o to my best friend). but whatever the way my breakdowns manifest themselves as, doesn't change the reality that it was an overwhelming and painful ordeal. i can't even imagine the pain and distress felt by those who feel this way on the daily. taking care of my mental health has become more important to me, as I'm stuck in this mindset that guilts myself when i choose something to relax rather than studying. i'm trying to fix that mindset, staying on the grind but also taking care of myself too! 

But you learn. its just another bump in the road-- the end goal will be worth it. That's what Andrew told me, and it is a good reminder of why I'm getting by through this hellish program. God has a plan for me, and I'll never doubt that *God's Plan plays in the bg* Suffering and sacrifices need to be made for the people and things that you love. 

keeping my chin up and my sights on the 8 weeks ahead of me... keep going, ange!!!!

discernment

yesterday left me feeling pretty overwhelmed for a few reasons. it only took a brief moment to recognize the big changes coming in my life for it to happen. nerve-wracking, yes, but at the same time extremely exciting!! i believe 2018 will be a pretty big year for me, and i'm pretty stoked to experience all the ups and downs through it all.

i had my placement orientation yesterday with 5 other year 4 nursing students and i'm pretty proud of myself for being the "ice breaker". i mean, i could have said nothing the whole time, but I realized these colleagues would be valuable assets now and even in the future, so I engaged them all into talking about school n stuff and even suggested making a group chat for us to brainstorm LP ideas since we would all be in the same placement (also lowkey, but i also want to be friends with these 2 guys bc one day i want to be invited to their nursing squad parties LOOOL they they seem lit!!!) 

but the orientation for this particular LTC home was interesting, because everyone was so friendly and they were passionate about their jobs! all the workers were smiling and very receptive to having students to teach, which was great. during the orientation i remember thinking why everyone dreaded LTC because this one seemed to be full of life!! 

I'm excited to start, as I have absolutely no expectations at all, and i promise to put in as much as i can and take every opportunity-- this is pretty much my last "safety" net i'll have before becoming a registered nurse. so fingers crossed i can keep up the momentum for my final 12 weeks. the one (kinda) downside to this is working evening shifts, meaning 3-11's.. and considering how often i'll be there, i probably may only see my family once or twice a week for the next 12 weeks which made me pretty sad. i felt like i took my family life for granted, as once i start working as a nurse i know my schedules will be pretty busy and long, many hours spent sleeping, which means i may not spend as much time with them as i would like to, now that i am older. the irony of life LOL but thats the way life goes. 

I texted my previous preceptor about it and he was super supportive (as usual). he told me how he may have another student,  and he's nervous about it, and it made me sad knowing that life goes on for everyone! the world doesn't revolve around me. i realized this after my trip to Cuba in first year, how life continues for everyone, whether you are there or not.. we are merely passing through this world, as my preceptor would say LOL. but yeah, i was a chapter in his mentoring career, and he was a chapter in my nursing career, and it's been such a blessing to have him there even beyond our time together. God has a funny (yet incredible) way of answering your prayers. if he does take on a student, i wish her all the best as she is so incredibly lucky to have an awesome preceptor for her consolidation. however, obviously once he gets a student i will not be his texting buddy LOL but i want to be able to go to Marmura after I graduate with him, maybe around the time i write my NCLEX, just for that extra boost. 

finally, the last thing that has been driving me nuts is the decision to quit my job. i've been praying and praying whether or not it is the best decision to leave. i don't like working there anymore, i don't get any hours, and I want to be able to have more time to study.. however, i need the money, primarily for bus fare and food. i need the money so that i don't have to rely on my family to supplement my income with an allowance, especially since my mom will be off work for a bit as her workplace undergoes construction. i think i can do it if I give myself $1000 to use for the next 4 months?? and then after school, as i find a nursing job, i'll take on a part-time somewhere also to supplement my nclex and jurisprudence fees n such, my G2 test, and my nclex study tools LOL, and study to write the NCLEX... find a job through the new grad guarantee... thinking about all these expenses make my head twirl. although i have an amount saved, i have promised myself not to touch it as it will be just enough to pay back my schooling fees. that means i have to be SUPER strict and frugal in the next 12 weeks or so.

SO YEAH that's how i've been feelin and what i've been thinkin, hbu

*john lennon voice* another year over, a new one just begun

I cannot remember most of 2017. not sure if that is a good or bad thing... sometimes i really feel like I have some kind of early onset dementia because it's becoming difficult to recall things from before (and yet bad memories are so vivid and fresh in my mind, how ironic). here is my attempt to collect my highlights and lowlights of this year:

• Early 2017:
• Continuing placement at SCHC: got new buddies (the health promotion students from centennial) for the semester, planned the (rather sad) international woman's day event, the goodbye potluck for the students, crying when i left the building lolz
• Leadership: made frenz with my group, passed the group project w an 80-ish, went to the nursing formal w them and had fun. Lol @ that time Alvin sat on his chocolate and it melted and it looked like he shit himself 
• Camping!! Went camping at Sauble Falls w my family during Victoria day weekend and it was extremely cold that one night, rained, the boys' tent got soaked, didn't get to go to tobermory though but went to sauble beach 
• Camp F.L.EX: my favourite YFL camp to serve at so far bc i was able to see the growth of my previous faci group (go Kat!!!) which was so inspiring, and met new friends!! to see Christ working in the youth is incredible to witness. 
• Passed the 1 year mark with Thomason, but not sure if we celebrated that....... uhh
• Went karaokeing w my mcdonalds friends, which made me realize how much I adore them all
• Summer 2017:
• I feel like i worked but not really? Worked at Indigo for a bit but quit after 3-4ish months. Did i work a lot in the summer? I feel like I did, my summer was uneventful. But indigo was a cool experience, they could have done more with the training and I didn't get my training for weeks despite me emailing them... 
• Went to the Bass Lake (?) w my pals! That was fun, went swimming w a tampon for the first time and I felt so powerful 
• Made Dean's List: that was my goal and I made it.. s/o to homelessness course! 
• Did a summer course, made no friends except 1 girl who stopped going after we became friends LOL.
• Volunteered a lot: SickKids (s/o to the secretary... whose name I forget but I can remember her face, sweet woman WITH THE BEST MIDDLE EASTERN COOKIES, and the the kids who had fun with me) & Holland Bloorview, fun experiences (even tho at holland bloorview I stopped going just bc the commute was a nightmare and I felt useless at times). 
• Working hours were odd bc of volunteering, so I didn't work as much as I should have. #teambrokeboiz
• came to speak at a post-secondary panel for a community center that helps newly immigrated filipinos transition in Canada, and met a good friend there, Andrew. 
• Had my first Onam w tommy and his mom!!! I love brown foodz
• September - Dec:
• met my preceptor and had an amazing placement experience.
• The strike happened, my assignments got ass grades (B's.... seriously I can never get A's in this damn course) 
• Went to the gym more... then quit Goodlife and went to Fit4Less
• My birthday & the scotiabank 5k (running it after a night of no sleep, no food, all alcohol is not recommended)! much love for my mcds homies.
• Bella's party --> so nice to see my yfl friends, and drink!!!!! s/o to allan for being a homie that has fun regardless of the circumstance, very rare to meet people like that who aren't trashy or ratchet.
• Accepted my invite to join Sigma Theta Tau but no idea if it will benefit me at all.
• Only 4 more months before graduation... woot. Made my FA cry for some reason, still convinced it is the spirit working in me 

Honestly, there was probably more, but overall 2017 was tame. A common trend I noticed is there there will be moments of motivation and passion, but then followed by periods of exhaustion. Hopefully in this new year I will be able to balance that and keep consistent, which will be necessary as I transition into the nursing profession (yikes!!) 

My 2018 goals (rather humble):

• Continue the pursuit of knowing God: serve at YFL camps, be more present during households/fellowships, transition into SFL (hopefully I'll have the time)
• graduate, pass the NCLEX, find a job
• Lose 5lbs (doable) and gain muscle (hopefully doable), maybe be able to squat more or build endurance for the next 10k (should i do it again?)
• Quit Woodside mcds, but save money.
• Glow up.. more
• Rekindle old friendships, get to know people better
• Finish Katamari damacy; cosplay as a Katamari cousin (I need this to happen)

I haven't really made any real goals yet, mostly because i'm not too sure what I want to achieve this year. Hopefully as time goes on I can shape these goals into something SMART, or identify more relevant goals for myself. Look at me, I'm starting to sound like a nursing school assignment. To whoever is reading this, I wish you success, good health, and blessings in 2018. 

"overwhelming passion"

"My philosophy of nursing is based on my belief that every client deserves treatment and care that upholds and respects the dignity and sanctity of human life. Regardless the circumstances, compassionate and holistic care should be the result of every nurse-client encounter. I believe that all individuals should be able to have unhindered access to comprehensive and individualized holistic care that is free from judgement and discrimination."