discernment

yesterday left me feeling pretty overwhelmed for a few reasons. it only took a brief moment to recognize the big changes coming in my life for it to happen. nerve-wracking, yes, but at the same time extremely exciting!! i believe 2018 will be a pretty big year for me, and i'm pretty stoked to experience all the ups and downs through it all.

i had my placement orientation yesterday with 5 other year 4 nursing students and i'm pretty proud of myself for being the "ice breaker". i mean, i could have said nothing the whole time, but I realized these colleagues would be valuable assets now and even in the future, so I engaged them all into talking about school n stuff and even suggested making a group chat for us to brainstorm LP ideas since we would all be in the same placement (also lowkey, but i also want to be friends with these 2 guys bc one day i want to be invited to their nursing squad parties LOOOL they they seem lit!!!) 

but the orientation for this particular LTC home was interesting, because everyone was so friendly and they were passionate about their jobs! all the workers were smiling and very receptive to having students to teach, which was great. during the orientation i remember thinking why everyone dreaded LTC because this one seemed to be full of life!! 

I'm excited to start, as I have absolutely no expectations at all, and i promise to put in as much as i can and take every opportunity-- this is pretty much my last "safety" net i'll have before becoming a registered nurse. so fingers crossed i can keep up the momentum for my final 12 weeks. the one (kinda) downside to this is working evening shifts, meaning 3-11's.. and considering how often i'll be there, i probably may only see my family once or twice a week for the next 12 weeks which made me pretty sad. i felt like i took my family life for granted, as once i start working as a nurse i know my schedules will be pretty busy and long, many hours spent sleeping, which means i may not spend as much time with them as i would like to, now that i am older. the irony of life LOL but thats the way life goes. 

I texted my previous preceptor about it and he was super supportive (as usual). he told me how he may have another student,  and he's nervous about it, and it made me sad knowing that life goes on for everyone! the world doesn't revolve around me. i realized this after my trip to Cuba in first year, how life continues for everyone, whether you are there or not.. we are merely passing through this world, as my preceptor would say LOL. but yeah, i was a chapter in his mentoring career, and he was a chapter in my nursing career, and it's been such a blessing to have him there even beyond our time together. God has a funny (yet incredible) way of answering your prayers. if he does take on a student, i wish her all the best as she is so incredibly lucky to have an awesome preceptor for her consolidation. however, obviously once he gets a student i will not be his texting buddy LOL but i want to be able to go to Marmura after I graduate with him, maybe around the time i write my NCLEX, just for that extra boost. 

finally, the last thing that has been driving me nuts is the decision to quit my job. i've been praying and praying whether or not it is the best decision to leave. i don't like working there anymore, i don't get any hours, and I want to be able to have more time to study.. however, i need the money, primarily for bus fare and food. i need the money so that i don't have to rely on my family to supplement my income with an allowance, especially since my mom will be off work for a bit as her workplace undergoes construction. i think i can do it if I give myself $1000 to use for the next 4 months?? and then after school, as i find a nursing job, i'll take on a part-time somewhere also to supplement my nclex and jurisprudence fees n such, my G2 test, and my nclex study tools LOL, and study to write the NCLEX... find a job through the new grad guarantee... thinking about all these expenses make my head twirl. although i have an amount saved, i have promised myself not to touch it as it will be just enough to pay back my schooling fees. that means i have to be SUPER strict and frugal in the next 12 weeks or so.

SO YEAH that's how i've been feelin and what i've been thinkin, hbu

*john lennon voice* another year over, a new one just begun

I cannot remember most of 2017. not sure if that is a good or bad thing... sometimes i really feel like I have some kind of early onset dementia because it's becoming difficult to recall things from before (and yet bad memories are so vivid and fresh in my mind, how ironic). here is my attempt to collect my highlights and lowlights of this year:

• Early 2017:
• Continuing placement at SCHC: got new buddies (the health promotion students from centennial) for the semester, planned the (rather sad) international woman's day event, the goodbye potluck for the students, crying when i left the building lolz
• Leadership: made frenz with my group, passed the group project w an 80-ish, went to the nursing formal w them and had fun. Lol @ that time Alvin sat on his chocolate and it melted and it looked like he shit himself 
• Camping!! Went camping at Sauble Falls w my family during Victoria day weekend and it was extremely cold that one night, rained, the boys' tent got soaked, didn't get to go to tobermory though but went to sauble beach 
• Camp F.L.EX: my favourite YFL camp to serve at so far bc i was able to see the growth of my previous faci group (go Kat!!!) which was so inspiring, and met new friends!! to see Christ working in the youth is incredible to witness. 
• Passed the 1 year mark with Thomason, but not sure if we celebrated that....... uhh
• Went karaokeing w my mcdonalds friends, which made me realize how much I adore them all
• Summer 2017:
• I feel like i worked but not really? Worked at Indigo for a bit but quit after 3-4ish months. Did i work a lot in the summer? I feel like I did, my summer was uneventful. But indigo was a cool experience, they could have done more with the training and I didn't get my training for weeks despite me emailing them... 
• Went to the Bass Lake (?) w my pals! That was fun, went swimming w a tampon for the first time and I felt so powerful 
• Made Dean's List: that was my goal and I made it.. s/o to homelessness course! 
• Did a summer course, made no friends except 1 girl who stopped going after we became friends LOL.
• Volunteered a lot: SickKids (s/o to the secretary... whose name I forget but I can remember her face, sweet woman WITH THE BEST MIDDLE EASTERN COOKIES, and the the kids who had fun with me) & Holland Bloorview, fun experiences (even tho at holland bloorview I stopped going just bc the commute was a nightmare and I felt useless at times). 
• Working hours were odd bc of volunteering, so I didn't work as much as I should have. #teambrokeboiz
• came to speak at a post-secondary panel for a community center that helps newly immigrated filipinos transition in Canada, and met a good friend there, Andrew. 
• Had my first Onam w tommy and his mom!!! I love brown foodz
• September - Dec:
• met my preceptor and had an amazing placement experience.
• The strike happened, my assignments got ass grades (B's.... seriously I can never get A's in this damn course) 
• Went to the gym more... then quit Goodlife and went to Fit4Less
• My birthday & the scotiabank 5k (running it after a night of no sleep, no food, all alcohol is not recommended)! much love for my mcds homies.
• Bella's party --> so nice to see my yfl friends, and drink!!!!! s/o to allan for being a homie that has fun regardless of the circumstance, very rare to meet people like that who aren't trashy or ratchet.
• Accepted my invite to join Sigma Theta Tau but no idea if it will benefit me at all.
• Only 4 more months before graduation... woot. Made my FA cry for some reason, still convinced it is the spirit working in me 

Honestly, there was probably more, but overall 2017 was tame. A common trend I noticed is there there will be moments of motivation and passion, but then followed by periods of exhaustion. Hopefully in this new year I will be able to balance that and keep consistent, which will be necessary as I transition into the nursing profession (yikes!!) 

My 2018 goals (rather humble):

• Continue the pursuit of knowing God: serve at YFL camps, be more present during households/fellowships, transition into SFL (hopefully I'll have the time)
• graduate, pass the NCLEX, find a job
• Lose 5lbs (doable) and gain muscle (hopefully doable), maybe be able to squat more or build endurance for the next 10k (should i do it again?)
• Quit Woodside mcds, but save money.
• Glow up.. more
• Rekindle old friendships, get to know people better
• Finish Katamari damacy; cosplay as a Katamari cousin (I need this to happen)

I haven't really made any real goals yet, mostly because i'm not too sure what I want to achieve this year. Hopefully as time goes on I can shape these goals into something SMART, or identify more relevant goals for myself. Look at me, I'm starting to sound like a nursing school assignment. To whoever is reading this, I wish you success, good health, and blessings in 2018. 

"overwhelming passion"

"My philosophy of nursing is based on my belief that every client deserves treatment and care that upholds and respects the dignity and sanctity of human life. Regardless the circumstances, compassionate and holistic care should be the result of every nurse-client encounter. I believe that all individuals should be able to have unhindered access to comprehensive and individualized holistic care that is free from judgement and discrimination."

what i learned from my former mentor

it's hard to believe that our pre-consolidation semester is finally done!! all that's left for me is one exam tomorrow (that i am putting off studying for, clearly, by writing this post) and my fall semester evaluation for my nursing practice course. i've been in post-secondary for 4 years and it still surprises me how fast time goes by. it gets more and more bittersweet the closer we get to graduation-- emails reminding us to apply for graduation and to book our grad photos fill my inbox and it honestly gets me more and more pumped to cross that stage, shake hands and get my placeholder diploma, and wait for all my friends to do the same.

but before i get ahead of myself, i want to write a post dedicated to my former mentor and favourite preceptor, who i did not expect to impact my life so greatly. i've talked about him few times to those willing to listen, but i think the stories that i tell them barely scratch the surface. my preceptor (who i won't mention here in case someone googles his name and finds my blog LOL) was eager to guide and teach me from the get go. as soon as i arrived on the units, there was no "hello nice to meet you!"-- instead, there was just "i do things fast, so try your best to keep up"--until our break at 8:30. it was then when the introductions took place: the hugs, the cards, the treats, and the warm welcome. right at the beginning, i could tell how dedicated he was to his work, putting his patients first and celebrations for later.

He taught me more than just what he needed to as a nursing preceptor. Here are just a few of the (non-nursing related) things that I've learned during our time together:

1. The Importance of Squatting - I've had my gym membership with Goodlife for as almost as long as i've been working at mcdonalds, and that membership was not cheap. for a good few months there would be times where i would not go the gym at all. it almost feels like i've gone to the gym and actually worked out since september than i can remember from any other time of the year. it just so happened that as i began to push myself in the summer to go by myself to stay in shape (since april, my sister, and alanis all dropped their memberships to that gym), i also met my preceptor who is a super fitness freak. Squatting and gym jokes became part of our routine ("did you go to the gym this week?" "..." "i knew it"); it also motivated me to go, even when i didn't have the energy for it, just for the satisfaction of saying "yes i did". obviously, i didn't go to the gym for that reason alone. but it really gave me another push towards realizing how much i enjoy exercising and feeling strong! not to lose weight, but to reach my goal in building muscle to stop being a lanky bean so that i can do patient transfers with more confidence (since i'll be super deezed!)


2. Coordinating your Scrubs - as a student, we don't get much leeway to express ourselves in our uniform. it's an ill-fitting uniform at best (the v-neck scoop is too low to be practical and the crotch in the pants so awkward). however, literally every single day i came in for a shift, my preceptor was coordinated literally from head to toe. From the colour of the pen caps, to the colour of his pencil topper eraser, his lanyard, and even his shoe laces and socks.. i'm not even exaggerating, it was impressive. he says its because men don't have that much variety in scrubs, so he does his best to make it work. but his uniform has come up as a topic of conversation, even from the patients. sometimes i think about what kind of scrubs i want to wear when i can wear whatever i want-- might opt for something a lot more practical (i.e. a good fit, sans deep v neck line, lots of pockets) but might have to draw inspiration from how dedicated he was to getting every detail right. he says he does it to brighten the days of his patients. i admire that.


3. The Power of Prayer - from the looks of him, i wouldn't have expected him to be so devoted to his faith. but here we were, my second day there during our break, when he starts talking about how he got hit by car at age 14/15 somewhere along Birchmount Rd. when his life turned around and thus started his journey to pursue God. but it was amazing. his stories literally made me cry every single time. so tragic, so sad. you couldn't even tell this was his life when you see a guy who is also so happy and eager to help his patients. i was so intrigued to learn more & listen to his testimonies of faith, and i think that where the foundation of our friendship was developed. he taught me a lot of things surrounding our shared Catholic faith, and it came at a good time in my life. after going "wayward" (as he called it), halfway through this undergrad, doubting everything, doing things i couldn't imagine myself ever doing, and only starting to make my way back to him, i was really trying to get my feet back on the ground. trying to get a grasp on what it means to pursue holiness, to live that #BestLifeEver, seeking my purpose, and trying to make heads and tails of God's Love and His Plan for Me™. honestly i think he might have changed my life LOL. he's shown me to just be the best version of yourself. He's redefined what it means to F.L.EX, aka what it means to be a Faithful Living EXample. and i aspire to be as true to myself as i possibly can, even if it means people think i'm nutty for being a "Jesus Girl". the more you seek God, the more He will reveal Himself to you, and that is so rewarding in itself. "If God is for me, what can stand against me?"


4. Love is Sacrifice - "love is sacrifice." Nice, what movie did he steal that line from? But in all seriousness, hearing that from him moved me. considering his current situation in his marriage, i cried. Like a baby. Love truly is sacrifice. He respects the sanctity of marriage so much so that he's done so much for the sake of keeping his family together. i wonder how he hasn't broken into pieces yet, when he's stretched so thin. it's dedication, it's pain, it's sacrifice. when he says things like, "i would have left my wife a long time ago..." or, "she's free to leave whenever she wants" or even, "it's painful getting the cold shoulder for 14 years, but i know it's the illness", it breaks my heart. He says,  marry a person because you love them for who they are, not because you want to change them. Love them through sickness and in health. and his dedication and his love for his wife and family despite the hardships is an example of that sacrifice. 


5. Not Everyone is Perfect - despite how much i admire him, i know he's not perfect. Heck, when we went to watch Thor, he fought with a lady to move over from our AVX reserved seats even though the theatre was hella empty. even though he squats and lifts and bench presses at Fit4Less at the ungodly hour of 4AM, i know he is far from perfect. i can tell how much hurt and sorrow and regret and burden he carries on his shoulders, but this man does it all for God. how incredible is that?? even in his nursing practice, as awesome as he is, he makes mistakes too. he gets frustrated with the politics of the workplace, he gets frustrated with nurses who complain instead of getting work done, he gets frustrated with American doctors who prescribe stool softeners and laxatives for all their patients which means we have to change incontinent briefs too frequently for whats supposed to be a "Cardiac Services" floor. getting that text from him, "hey feeling sad and depressed. not sure if nursing is for me anymoe.." made me feel so sad because even the best of the best have it hard. Those who are so dedicated to what they do get worn down, battered, and exhausted. It's human. 

after all that's said and done, i wish i could go back in time and appreciate every single moment even more. Never would i have found such a meaningful friend in him. I tried my best not to take it all for granted, considering how fulfilling of an experience my time was on that team & unit. but as he said, God is calling for the next chapter to happen in my life, so who am I to stop Him? i've learned all that i could under his mentorship, and i know our friendship will go beyond be passing the NCLEX and getting my RN. i look forward to even texting him the link to my convocation live stream, just so he can watch me get my diploma LOL. our time together has only fueled my excitement for the future even more, & because of that, my heart is so full.

Thank you for everything. 

1 more clinical shift!

it's been a busy past few weeks, but to be honest it feels really awesome to look back on my progress and see my accomplishments in how far i've come. it may seem silly or something that a 2nd year would say, but i feel proud when i do a skill correctly and confidently. i also feel proud when i delegated a task from a second year, or tried to involve them in the care. i also felt great when i was able to draw together information and come to an accurate clinical judgements and decisions (even something as simple as understanding that a pt on blood thinners would bleed more and so more pressure needs to be applied upon catheter removal-- which no one told me!! and i figured out after she started bleeding all over my gloves and through the gauze).

while i know i am far from ready, i am trying to keep my hopes up in the coming future. the consolidation semester is fast approaching, and I really need to step up my game in being able to conduct myself and think like a nurse... no longer a nursing student, but a nurse! fingers crossed that the preceptor and placement that i get will be amazing, although I have no doubt in God's plan after my experience with Roe and T-9. i realize that, coming so close to graduation and to the ""Adult life"" of a career (peace out mcdonalds!!!) that there is a need for me to live up to that responsibility. which means i need to conduct myself professionally more i.e. going to networking events, connecting with my profs, stop being shy

4th year is a transition that, although a year long, is going by so fast. considering i feel like i have just graduated high school not too long ago, and look even moreso, it can be pretty daunting. but i have all my trust in the Lord in good things to come-- which may not be easy, of course-- and to Him be all the glory in my successes, failures, and hardships. because i know they're all lessons to learn from.