never even got to write about my graduation day! to sum up that day, i felt a lot of pressure being the first one of our program to cross that stage, but i was really stoked that we made it that far. i even wore my purple curtain tassles, like i said i would.
after that, i pretty much lost myself to studying for the NCLEX; although admittedly i wasn't that focused in the beginning. it was on and off/very casual studying at first, but eventually after vancouver i actually sat down and got back on the grind, doing 9-5 study sessions and working on the weekends, listening to lectures on my way to work and even on the treadmill at the gym.
i dont even know what to say about it, because i really don't know how well i did; i feel craptastic! it's extremely hard to judge my results from doing the test LOL. i feel like i failed. but we'll see once that letter comes in the mail!!! and that is about all that i wanna say about this.
Post-CLS Weekend ((THIS POST IS A MESS AND 100% ALL FEELS))
It's become a regular habit for me to search for and understand the why behind the things that happens in my life, big or small. Not in an overthinking manner per se, but more so trying to make sense of what I can learn from that experience, particularly from unsuccessful attempts (which is a euphemism for failure).
Examples:
- On Victoria Day weekend, I was 5 seconds from missing the bus but thankfully I was able to /safely/ jaywalk across the street and catch the bus. Had I missed it, I would have been late for work. Why was I able to catch that bus? So I could get to work 10 minutes early, which would give me enough time to grab donuts for everyone working since we all knew it would be super busy and stressful-- sharing in the good karma is real, folks.
- Why am I doomed to work 11-8 shifts up in the booth like 90% of all my shifts?? So that I can get some studying done for the NCLEX, while making money to pay for said NCLEX and to invest in my future. It may be a boring and something redundant job that fails to challenge me or utilize my talents, but at least I'm making $15 for just doin' my own thing while selling cakes on the side :)
- Why did I happen to bump into Alexis at Starbucks, and why did Bella message me asking if I was going to go, both which pretty much sealed my fate for going to CLS that weekend? TBH, I don't have the answer to that yet, but......................
post-vacation feels aka back 2 life
Dear diary.....
when i think back to our time on vacation, i wonder if i wasn't 'in the moment' enough. i tried to not touch my phone at all, or at least use the internet to go on social media, cuz i aint just paid 1k just to do things on the internet i could do at home, but still the 7 days went by soo quick, and the days oddly felt so... short? maybe it was because i was having a lot of fun that time slipped by without anyone noticing. i tried my best to preserve each day to my memory, so i can think back and remember what it was like to be sitting on the beach chairs, or eating dinner with my friends, or swimming in the ocean. despite initially being reluctant about this trip because of the $$ that came out of my savings fund, i thoroughly enjoyed it (minus being constipated) and did my best to make the most out of it, despite my fear of drowning and other things. to be honest i'm pretty psyched that i went and did the things i did-- swimming in the middle of the ocean, & even though it was shallow area, I STILL CRIED CUZ THE BOAT WAS DRIFTING DEEPER INTO THE WATER (bless that one guy's soul for noticing i was so scared and coming to be my 'water taxi' until it was shallow again), jumping off cliffs, snorkeling (even though i wish i could have gone into the deeper waters).. basically everything that had to do with water LOL. but even teaching myself to kind of float was pretty awesome too 😁
1 of my favourite parts was our photoshoot during the sunset-- i don't think anyone really understood or felt what i was seeing through my eyes at that point in time. that cast of blue, pink, and purple hues on everyone made it look eerily HIGH DEF, EVEN THOUGH SEEING LIFE THROUGH MY OWN DAMN EYES IS ALREADY HD... there was this surrealness to it that made me think, 'wow... God is so good'. each of the 8 people in front of me living completely unique lives and overlapping with mine through a friendship? simple and plain fun in taking photos on the beach? in fact, even seeing the vastness of that ocean was so overwhelming. it took me back to my cuba trip when i watched the ocean in the same manner, being pretty damn amazed that i was literally standing in a body of water so large, which means the earth is even larger, considering i took a mere 4 hr flight to be standing in a completely different country with an entirely different climate and culture and etc. etc... damn i still be thinking so pretentiously even on vacay? LOLjk no that was my revelation of my blessings being larger than life. God truly is so great.
i came home feeling nice and refreshed and excited for more travelling escapades in the future. i also came home sunburnt af and crispy with a scary amount of bug bites on my legs and a renewed sense of excitement for the future and rejuvenated love for my boyfriend, who i'm honestly really glad didn't come because i'm sure i had the most fun this way. I also came home to bare amount of shifts at tetsus. but this money is definitely going to be worth it-- it's a hard grind for a good future. my trust and faith in God still stands, although admittedly i haven't been getting acquainted with him as often as i used to or would like to, because of work. let's see what that CLS weekend will do to me lOL. but yeah... looking forward to my vancouver trip just as much, or maybe even more!! but gotta keep studying for the NCLEX lol!!!
My Friends Are Wholesome Memes!!!
i've never thought about using the word 'wholesome' to describe a person until only a few days ago, when james used 'wholesome' to describe one of our co-workers. i didn't think much of it at the time until today, days after that conversation, to realize what that word encapsulates in a person. wholesome is a great adjective to describe some of my friends (which i realize now that I've been using the word 'golden' to describe them the same way wholesome does). i love listening to other people and understanding the way they think and perceive things because I learn from it-- it challenges me to think a different way or to understand something i might not have made the effort to do before. and it's great because they're so full of ideas and every conversation has me learning something new about myself or about another person and going like, "damn I never thought of it that way!" (ex. how some people [who will not be mentioned] brush their teeth after they wake up rather than brushing it after they eat breakfast)
i've always liked james as a person and as a friend, not because i was his first love, but because he's actually a really decent guy! he's very understanding and down-to-earth but a lot of fun to be with. now that he's my boss and that i'm forced to see and talk to him more often and not by choice, the good things about him are more pronounced-- you can learn a lot about a person by their leadership style, and james is that boss who gets shit done, without having to shit on you. he actually makes an effort to put himself in your shoes and, unless you give him a really good reason to, will always make an effort to forgive. he's devoted to his friends and treats his good friends like family-- their friend group is so funny LOL i love hanging out with them. but all in all, at the end of the day, james is a good friend.
then i have friends like jathu and christian. hanging out with them is so fun because, as i was telling thomason, we all bring something different to the table. all our majors are completely different (history, nursing, math, and architecture) so we always have something different to talk about. not gonna lie, just listening to jathu talk about proofs and prime numbers was genuinely so interesting. and it's nice that even tho we all don't work at mcds anymore, we still make the effort to hang out! as individuals, jathu is a great storyteller and so full of life despite her short stature, good natured and with a big heart; she's 100% wholesome content. & there's christian who is genuinely a good guy who's so humble; he was also great as a TL when we worked at mcds. plus the way he makes an effort to hang out with his little brother is so sweet; 100% wholesome guy!
i dunno, maybe i am just drawn to the good side of people (isn't that why douche was part of my My5?) and it's not like i see them as ~*perfect*~ or ~*flawless*~, because 100% i know they're not.. but when all is said and done, these are the kinds of people i want to surround myself with.. it's like that saying how you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. maybe that's why i get shocked when people at this age still get caught up in petty high school-like drama, and why you won't see anyone like that in my social circle lmao. i've been thinking a lot about the social aspect of my life, but i'm pretty content with the people who i've been blessed to have met and kept close, despite the busy schedules.
i've always liked james as a person and as a friend, not because i was his first love, but because he's actually a really decent guy! he's very understanding and down-to-earth but a lot of fun to be with. now that he's my boss and that i'm forced to see and talk to him more often and not by choice, the good things about him are more pronounced-- you can learn a lot about a person by their leadership style, and james is that boss who gets shit done, without having to shit on you. he actually makes an effort to put himself in your shoes and, unless you give him a really good reason to, will always make an effort to forgive. he's devoted to his friends and treats his good friends like family-- their friend group is so funny LOL i love hanging out with them. but all in all, at the end of the day, james is a good friend.
then i have friends like jathu and christian. hanging out with them is so fun because, as i was telling thomason, we all bring something different to the table. all our majors are completely different (history, nursing, math, and architecture) so we always have something different to talk about. not gonna lie, just listening to jathu talk about proofs and prime numbers was genuinely so interesting. and it's nice that even tho we all don't work at mcds anymore, we still make the effort to hang out! as individuals, jathu is a great storyteller and so full of life despite her short stature, good natured and with a big heart; she's 100% wholesome content. & there's christian who is genuinely a good guy who's so humble; he was also great as a TL when we worked at mcds. plus the way he makes an effort to hang out with his little brother is so sweet; 100% wholesome guy!
i dunno, maybe i am just drawn to the good side of people (isn't that why douche was part of my My5?) and it's not like i see them as ~*perfect*~ or ~*flawless*~, because 100% i know they're not.. but when all is said and done, these are the kinds of people i want to surround myself with.. it's like that saying how you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. maybe that's why i get shocked when people at this age still get caught up in petty high school-like drama, and why you won't see anyone like that in my social circle lmao. i've been thinking a lot about the social aspect of my life, but i'm pretty content with the people who i've been blessed to have met and kept close, despite the busy schedules.
a bigger world, a smaller circle
That late-night conversation yesterday with Abby and Thomason further reinforced something I realized at some point within the last 5 years: as my world grew bigger, my social circle grew smaller. And for a person like me, a cute gal who is rather reserved, that realization made me come to terms with a lot of things about myself. I mean, obviously, who doesn't want to have a lot of friends?? Who doesn't want to feel pretty important?? I used to wish to be like my sister who had so many friends and sat with the "cool kids" at school. I wanted people to notice me and realize how cool I can be as a person (albeit a bit dorky). I wanted to be invited to the parties and I wanted people to hit me up and have conversations with me, I wanted people to know what was up with me, I wanted them to miss me, et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah..
But understanding that by nature, I am not really a "people" person and lean more towards the introverted side, this wish wouldn't really benefit me at all. Getting to know a person, solid friendships, meaningful platonic relationships-- these were all really important things to me that I found great value in that I wouldn't be able to get if I had 239131 friends. Coming into university and literally having my world widen by a million horizons made me feel so small and meaningless, another cute Asian face in the crowd-- but that didn't bother me. Instead, I came to value my few close friendships more. Friends who I only see once a year in the summer; friends who understand that our relationship should not diminish because we do not talk or see each other as often as we'd like, but instead solidifies after all that time apart; friends who I truly connect with, heart-to-heart, and who I am truly able to be myself with and spill my heart and soul out to, where comfort comes so quickly and naturally in a safe space-- these are the friendships that I have come to cherish so much and have really helped me grow in the direction that I am happy to be going towards. There is only so much time I can invest in a friendship before I realize that we as people do not have that "click", that superficial and shallow small-talk conversations can only get us so far-- that time I can instead put towards other things to further improve myself, like AP points. HOWEVER, not to say that these people are not worth my time, but some people are just meant to be left as acquaintances y'know?
Admittedly, though, sometimes these thoughts and wishes still come back from time to time... after all, I am really cool...... and it sucks that people are missing out on this..... There are people who I would love to know more, because as acquaintances I had this feeling of "clicking" (I should totally make a word to describe this feeling. More on this another time) and I can see that there is a lot to learn from their stories and examples. But again, there are so many different types of relationships a person can make with other people of varying degrees and I myself have come to realize, embrace, and love the few people who can meet me half way and share a part of each of our lives with. I'm not one to openly talk about my feelings, my thoughts, or my opinions with other people unless I feel ready to ((HELL, I didn't even want to talk about my first kiss with Josh in grade 11 LMAO but Lord knows how much I cried to Abby about him when he broke my lil sweet maiden heart LMFAOOO)). But once you understand this, you just really stop giving a shit about what other people think of you & you stop vying for other people's attention. You no longer need other people to validate your coolness. In a world of 7 billion people, I don't need you to like me as a person, because with or without your opinion (which is obviously wrong), I'll still be the same person that I am who is awesome and kicking ass in the big ol' scary world.
So fuck u Josh A***a cus I am ur TOTGA
But understanding that by nature, I am not really a "people" person and lean more towards the introverted side, this wish wouldn't really benefit me at all. Getting to know a person, solid friendships, meaningful platonic relationships-- these were all really important things to me that I found great value in that I wouldn't be able to get if I had 239131 friends. Coming into university and literally having my world widen by a million horizons made me feel so small and meaningless, another cute Asian face in the crowd-- but that didn't bother me. Instead, I came to value my few close friendships more. Friends who I only see once a year in the summer; friends who understand that our relationship should not diminish because we do not talk or see each other as often as we'd like, but instead solidifies after all that time apart; friends who I truly connect with, heart-to-heart, and who I am truly able to be myself with and spill my heart and soul out to, where comfort comes so quickly and naturally in a safe space-- these are the friendships that I have come to cherish so much and have really helped me grow in the direction that I am happy to be going towards. There is only so much time I can invest in a friendship before I realize that we as people do not have that "click", that superficial and shallow small-talk conversations can only get us so far-- that time I can instead put towards other things to further improve myself, like AP points. HOWEVER, not to say that these people are not worth my time, but some people are just meant to be left as acquaintances y'know?
Admittedly, though, sometimes these thoughts and wishes still come back from time to time... after all, I am really cool...... and it sucks that people are missing out on this..... There are people who I would love to know more, because as acquaintances I had this feeling of "clicking" (I should totally make a word to describe this feeling. More on this another time) and I can see that there is a lot to learn from their stories and examples. But again, there are so many different types of relationships a person can make with other people of varying degrees and I myself have come to realize, embrace, and love the few people who can meet me half way and share a part of each of our lives with. I'm not one to openly talk about my feelings, my thoughts, or my opinions with other people unless I feel ready to ((HELL, I didn't even want to talk about my first kiss with Josh in grade 11 LMAO but Lord knows how much I cried to Abby about him when he broke my lil sweet maiden heart LMFAOOO)). But once you understand this, you just really stop giving a shit about what other people think of you & you stop vying for other people's attention. You no longer need other people to validate your coolness. In a world of 7 billion people, I don't need you to like me as a person, because with or without your opinion (which is obviously wrong), I'll still be the same person that I am who is awesome and kicking ass in the big ol' scary world.
So fuck u Josh A***a cus I am ur TOTGA
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