ange meets world // ange vs the world // ange eat world

August draws to a close.

Friends are going back to school.

And I, I took the road less travelled by...

such a bizarre feeling knowing i'm not going back to school. it's definitely not the last time i'll be enrolled, because i know i'm go back to school for something (like a certificate course, for example) but this is it... 4 years and... it's time to pay back osap!!!!!! and questions of everyone asking if i've started looking for a job, the job hunt, etc. im on the right track, but i feel like i'm slowly becoming a to-do list person: in recent days, ive been making lists for all the things i need to get done, especially with registration, and it's somehow caught on and even therapeutic for me. 

to be quite honest, i've been feeling a little... stagnant, slow moving, and stuck in life? i can't quite place it right. i haven't even started my job search, and i have yet to do my G2. im working a boring ass job at tetsus, barely making back the money i've been spending (particularly on travelling, i've done my fair share of travelling this year) but... i dont know... i'm feeling unfulfilled? maybe in my relationships with other people? with my faith? my community? My part-time job? in enjoying the things i used to like doing, like writing, reading, and drawing?

i feel like i'm not quite there in the the things that i do, in each day that i live. my minds in a completely different place. like at graddies i was trying to catch up with allyson but my heart just wasn't in it (it could also just be because a loud house party was not the right place to talk about her pursuing her masters and our future plans). although, my heart wasn't really in it for the party too-- maybe i'm too old and have grown accustomed to enjoying time with smaller groups of people instead-- and neither is my excitement for pushing myself forward in my career. the drive has halted, the fire frozen. i'm not unmotivated, but just a little... hesitant? apprehensive? all i wanna do is sleep because i feel so tired all the time. am i depressed? lol no i don't think so.

i'm lacking that inspiration, and usually i draw my inspiration away from God. perhaps that's where this is all stemming. losing my Sundays with my mom and sister, going to church and then us hanging out afterwards which was my normal routine, or just losing my weekends in general and not being home to see them; could it be that? losing my normalcy and routine in the things that i love in lieu of earning money to pay off my debts-- is this what my future is going to be like? Or am i truly going to love my job, like i pray i will? or is it going to be anxiety inducing dread for every shift? will i bum out or will i hustle hard and lose the most precious days of my life? losing my friends and my life in the mess of 12 hrs shifts and in the pursue of advancing my career?

see, there's so many things i want the answers to. i need an outlet, like this blog, to be able to speak (or in this case, write) my thoughts out loud so i can better understand my thinking process and pick out what it is that i really, truly, want for and from myself. but sometimes i just get so lazy and i get stuck, and i dont know where to begin or what to write. but once i do, it just keeps coming (hence why every blog post is 100% my thoughts being translated directly into text) lmao. inconsistent, but genuineness as it's finest. and once in a while, nights like these are much needed-- dates with thomason, jathu, and christian. truly some of my favourite people to just kick it with, people who make me feel at ease after a stressful day of thinking too much about my future. 

wrote the nclex today

never even got to write about my graduation day! to sum up that day, i felt a lot of pressure being the first one of our program to cross that stage, but i was really stoked that we made it that far. i even wore my purple curtain tassles, like i said i would.

after that, i pretty much lost myself to studying for the NCLEX; although admittedly i wasn't that focused in the beginning. it was on and off/very casual studying at first, but eventually after vancouver i actually sat down and got back on the grind, doing 9-5 study sessions and working on the weekends, listening to lectures on my way to work and even on the treadmill at the gym.

i dont even know what to say about it, because i really don't know how well i did; i feel craptastic! it's extremely hard to judge my results from doing the test LOL. i feel like i failed. but we'll see once that letter comes in the mail!!! and that is about all that i wanna say about this.

Post-CLS Weekend ((THIS POST IS A MESS AND 100% ALL FEELS))

It's become a regular habit for me to search for and understand the why behind the things that happens in my life, big or small. Not in an overthinking manner per se, but more so trying to make sense of what I can learn from that experience, particularly from unsuccessful attempts (which is a euphemism for failure). 

Examples:

• On Victoria Day weekend, I was 5 seconds from missing the bus but thankfully I was able to /safely/ jaywalk across the street and catch the bus. Had I missed it, I would have been late for work. Why was I able to catch that bus? So I could get to work 10 minutes early, which would give me enough time to grab donuts for everyone working since we all knew it would be super busy and stressful-- sharing in the good karma is real, folks.

• Why am I doomed to work 11-8 shifts up in the booth like 90% of all my shifts?? So that I can get some studying done for the NCLEX, while making money to pay for said NCLEX and to invest in my future. It may be a boring and something redundant job that fails to challenge me or utilize my talents, but at least I'm making $15 for just doin' my own thing while selling cakes on the side :) 

• Why did I happen to bump into Alexis at Starbucks, and why did Bella message me asking if I was going to go, both which pretty much sealed my fate for going to CLS that weekend? TBH, I don't have the answer to that yet, but......................

post-vacation feels aka back 2 life

Dear diary.....

when i think back to our time on vacation, i wonder if i wasn't 'in the moment' enough. i tried to not touch my phone at all, or at least use the internet to go on social media, cuz i aint just paid 1k just to do things on the internet i could do at home, but still the 7 days went by soo quick, and the days oddly felt so... short? maybe it was because i was having a lot of fun that time slipped by without anyone noticing. i tried my best to preserve each day to my memory, so i can think back and remember what it was like to be sitting on the beach chairs, or eating dinner with my friends, or swimming in the ocean. despite initially being reluctant about this trip because of the $$ that came out of my savings fund, i thoroughly enjoyed it (minus being constipated) and did my best to make the most out of it, despite my fear of drowning and other things. to be honest i'm pretty psyched that i went and did the things i did-- swimming in the middle of the ocean, & even though it was shallow area, I STILL CRIED CUZ THE BOAT WAS DRIFTING DEEPER INTO THE WATER (bless that one guy's soul for noticing i was so scared and coming to be my 'water taxi' until it was shallow again), jumping off cliffs, snorkeling (even though i wish i could have gone into the deeper waters).. basically everything that had to do with water LOL. but even teaching myself to kind of float was pretty awesome too 😁

1 of my favourite parts was our photoshoot during the sunset-- i don't think anyone really understood or felt what i was seeing through my eyes at that point in time. that cast of blue, pink, and purple hues on everyone made it look eerily HIGH DEF, EVEN THOUGH SEEING LIFE THROUGH MY OWN DAMN EYES IS ALREADY HD... there was this surrealness to it that made me think, 'wow... God is so good'. each of the 8 people in front of me living completely unique lives and overlapping with mine through a friendship? simple and plain fun in taking photos on the beach? in fact, even seeing the vastness of that ocean was so overwhelming. it took me back to my cuba trip when i watched the ocean in the same manner, being pretty damn amazed that i was literally standing in a body of water so large, which means the earth is even larger, considering i took a mere 4 hr flight to be standing in a completely different country with an entirely different climate and culture and etc. etc... damn i still be thinking so pretentiously even on vacay? LOLjk no that was my revelation of my blessings being larger than life. God truly is so great.

i came home feeling nice and refreshed and excited for more travelling escapades in the future. i also came home sunburnt af and crispy with a scary amount of bug bites on my legs and a renewed sense of excitement for the future and rejuvenated love for my boyfriend, who i'm honestly really glad didn't come because i'm sure i had the most fun this way. I also came home to bare amount of shifts at tetsus. but this money is definitely going to be worth it-- it's a hard grind for a good future. my trust and faith in God still stands, although admittedly i haven't been getting acquainted with him as often as i used to or would like to, because of work. let's see what that CLS weekend will do to me lOL. but yeah... looking forward to my vancouver trip just as much, or maybe even more!! but gotta keep studying for the NCLEX lol!!!

My Friends Are Wholesome Memes!!!

i've never thought about using the word 'wholesome' to describe a person until only a few days ago, when james used 'wholesome' to describe one of our co-workers. i didn't think much of it at the time until today, days after that conversation, to realize what that word encapsulates in a person. wholesome is a great adjective to describe some of my friends (which i realize now that I've been using the word 'golden' to describe them the same way wholesome does). i love listening to other people and understanding the way they think and perceive things because I learn from it-- it challenges me to think a different way or to understand something i might not have made the effort to do before. and it's great because they're so full of ideas and every conversation has me learning something new about myself or about another person and going like, "damn I never thought of it that way!" (ex. how some people [who will not be mentioned] brush their teeth after they wake up rather than brushing it after they eat breakfast)

i've always liked james as a person and as a friend, not because i was his first love, but because he's actually a really decent guy! he's very understanding and down-to-earth but a lot of fun to be with. now that he's my boss and that i'm forced to see and talk to him more often and not by choice, the good things about him are more pronounced-- you can learn a lot about a person by their leadership style, and james is that boss who gets shit done, without having to shit on you. he actually makes an effort to put himself in your shoes and, unless you give him a really good reason to, will always make an effort to forgive. he's devoted to his friends and treats his good friends like family-- their friend group is so funny LOL i love hanging out with them. but all in all, at the end of the day, james is a good friend.

then i have friends like jathu and christian. hanging out with them is so fun because, as i was telling thomason, we all bring something different to the table. all our majors are completely different (history, nursing, math, and architecture) so we always have something different to talk about. not gonna lie, just listening to jathu talk about proofs and prime numbers was genuinely so interesting. and it's nice that even tho we all don't work at mcds anymore, we still make the effort to hang out! as individuals, jathu is a great storyteller and so full of life despite her short stature, good natured and with a big heart; she's 100% wholesome content. & there's christian who is genuinely a good guy who's so humble; he was also great as a TL when we worked at mcds. plus the way he makes an effort to hang out with his little brother is so sweet; 100% wholesome guy!

i dunno, maybe i am just drawn to the good side of people (isn't that why douche was part of my My5?) and it's not like i see them as ~*perfect*~ or ~*flawless*~, because 100% i know they're not.. but when all is said and done, these are the kinds of people i want to surround myself with.. it's like that saying how you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. maybe that's why i get shocked when people at this age still get caught up in petty high school-like drama, and why you won't see anyone like that in my social circle lmao. i've been thinking a lot about the social aspect of my life, but i'm pretty content with the people who i've been blessed to have met and kept close, despite the busy schedules.