moments of clarity where my life suddenly makes sense are so rare and short-lived. I had a moment like that on my 8pm commute home when I saw my tired face looking back at me through the reflection on the door windows.
Who am I looking at?
Or rather, who is the person looking back at me????
I had joined this ~*honour nursing society*~ without knowing what the hell it was, except that it was by invite only and supposedly some sort of prestigious nursing group. When I saw the invitation in my inbox, I was so confused. It was a total fluke, my grades and GPA just happened to be the way they were by chance and luck. I didn't pay much mind to it as I didn't care to join..... At least, in the beginning. But closer to the deadline of applications, something in my head was like, "Ange, I don't know what the hell this society is but maybe you should join in case you benefit from it in the future.. and it might look good on your resume". So I did! And I still don't know what to do with my membership. I got all this stuff in the mail from them that's literally sitting on my desk, collecting dust.
soooo I decided to go to an information meeting for this group today (which, by the way, still did not exactly clarify how this group works LOL ded). I did get to meet and hear the stories of RNs though. When I hear the stories of other nurses and their journey through their career, I am comforted by the thought that I'll also be okay after I graduate. I'm also reminded of what nursing means to me and what I've been working so hard for. They were selling these Sigma graduation tassels for $20, which was cute and all but I wasn't willing to dish out 20 bucks to look like a purple curtain. But something in my mind kept telling me, "Ange, just do it. Just buy it. When will you have a chance like this again?". So I caved. I bought the damn tassels, and I'm gonna look like a blue and purple curtain on my graduating day.
but on my way home, I started to think: why did I buy those tassels? Who knows– maybe this is me trying to justify my purchase– but I decided that these tassels are the representation of my struggles in this damn undergrad degree and a reminder of my end goal– to be able to serve those in need with kindness and compassion.. to truly nurse with heart as I've been called to do. I don't care that it's supposed to mean that I'm a member of Sigma Theta Tau, cuz I still don't know what the heck to do with that membership. No, these purple tassels are my tears, my stress, my anxieties, my doubts and insecurities, and all the challenges I have faced that I will wear proudly as I walk across that stage. It is a tangible reminder that God has walked alongside me all this time to bring me to this point. and as i realized this, i started to tear up. i'm so, SO close. this is where i ended up, this is where my journey has brought me so far.
Nursing and the meaning it has on my life is not as impactful or dramatic as it may be for others. for example, other people become nurses because of their experiences in the hospital, their experiences will illness, they come from a families of nurses, etc. I had no idea the broad scope of practice and the many roles a nurse can have in healthcare until nursing school. But does it matter? comparing myself to my colleagues and their drive to become nurses is not going to help me. Instead, i should draw inspiration from their ambition to fuel my own. and that is what I got from today. even hearing successful stories from those i know who graduated from this program gives me hope. there are so many days where i feel ill-prepared and i know absolutely nothing as i transition into becoming an RN, and i know that school is only half the challenge. There will be so much more beyond this undergrad where I will fall and cry and struggle with depression and anxiety when things go wrong, but who's to say i won't be able to get through it? when I think about having God with me through all my hardships, I feel empowered and I feel like there's nothing I can't do.
I am so proud of how far I've come as a person (although I obviously have so much more room for improvement). I've come from being someone so shy, timid, insecure, and afraid of being wrong into someone who is excited to learn and grow from a challenge, accepts failure, and pushes herself just to see what she can achieve. There is still a long way to go ahead of me, but each hardship I face will only benefit my development to become an even better version of myself and a reminder of God's calling.
And as this day comes to an end, I'm grateful for this realization. I want to remind myself something that often is forgotten and lost in the overwhelming mess of it all– that I'll be okay. I'll survive :)
