“the child is not dead, but asleep... little girl, i say to you, arise!”
ever since i’ve lost the routine of celebrating mass every sunday because of work, i feel like i too, have fallen asleep. i’ve fallen asleep in my faith and it’s been a hot minute since i’ve felt that invigorating & burning feeling of conviction and the realization that God’s love and mercy is greater than anything on earth. you would think that with everything going on— work stress, covid-19 stress, relationship stress, social depravation, stress from planning my animal crossing island— my faith would burn stronger. in my minds eyes, i see the flame in my heart as a faint flicker, burning quietly, small. waiting.
(like calcifer, from howl’s moving castle.)
i’ve tried feeding the flame by immersing myself in worship, listening to the message. signing up for faith studies with other like minded individuals. but what am i waiting for? waiting for a life changing moment for me to open my eyes, to hear jesus say “talitha koum!” and just like that, that fire burns fierce, strong, enough to power my heart, body, and soul to live in his Gospel (again, just like calcifer from howl’s moving castle)? a lot of people wait for that moment, but i know that kind of moment isn’t necessarily a big one. maybe for other people, sure, but for me, i think it’s a matter of turning my heart’s eye towards the things that matter... the little things. the small blessings. trying to change my thinking to see what i am grateful for, especially in this easter season.
it’s always been like that for me. i was reflecting the other day about the way that i love people— a quiet, silent reflection of the beautiful image they have been created in, a reflection of God. i will love you when you stand before me, laughing. i will love you when you walk before me in the setting sun. i will love you when we sit next to each other in silence, preoccupied by our phones. i will love you as you speak about your ambitions and your insecurities. i will love you as you stand and iron our laundry. i will love you as we toast our shot glasses to each other, cheering for our friendships.
i love quietly, i love silently. sometimes i voice it, sometimes i let you feel it. but for the most part, it’s a silent appreciation. isn’t that the way God loves us too? the way that he speaks to us and reveal himself to us? in the silence, he comes. some people hear him in their lives. some people feel the love so powerful, they weep. i’ve felt Him in those ways, too (adoration). so while i seek for Him in the little things, i am reminding myself to stay silent, to hear him in the stillness. there’s so much going on in the world right now, and in my life, that it’s difficult to drown out the white noise. but it’s an ongoing challenge that i’ve been on for a while, and have no plans on giving up on.
prayer has always been difficult for me... formal prayer at least. i don’t have the discipline to sit and pray and keep concentrated for extended lengths of time, although i am trying. i find that my usual prayers are small, quick, and usually of thanksgiving (“thank you for getting me through this shift” “thank you for giving this patient a long life” “thank you for for the gift of another day” “please give me the strength and patience to care for the sick today”) recently abby has been documenting things she is grateful for during this quarantine and i thought i might do the same too. look, i’ve turned back to this blog trying to do reflection, following along with the easter devotional (which i haven’t been consistent with lol).
my belief still remains the same, though. God is the only thing certain during these times of uncertainty.
2/3 RNs!!
so, so excited and happy for alana for passing!!! now that's 2/3 of "the triple a's"... actually, it's so exciting when i see my friends & nursing colleagues pass their nclex. after we all struggled in the same boat for 4 years, seeing each other successfully get through another hurdle is so fulfilling!
i didn't get to write about my nclex process and my feelings about the nclex (which was like 1.5 months ago!! WOW!) it was such a journey, and it was actually pretty fun! it gave me a purpose, a goal, and was an educational time killer especially when i was working up at the booth. so many days i would come home smelling like coffee after studying at starbucks-- thank you sbux @ milner & 401!!!-- but it was a great few weeks because i could slowly see and feel myself developing my ability to think like a nurse.
i didn't wanna tell anyone about my test date because i didn't want the pressure, i didn't want the attention. i just wanted to do this on my own & stay focused. i obviously told my family and thomason, and eventually i ended up telling my nursing friends and abby, but that's about it! at first my studying was so wishy washy-- inconsistent at best, listening to mark K and taking notes, and studying uworld on the bus through the phone app without internet so sometimes my answers wouldn't save, and i'm pretty sure my results were fudged as a result LOL. when i was up at the tetsu's booth in the food court, it was more doable because business was hella slow so i could print out notes, bring my phone charger, and just study.
then i went to vancouver in the beginning of july-- i finished my mark K lectures on the plane and just kinda forgot about things when i was there. even though i was supposed to go to the library to study more, those plans flopped, and instead i stayed at the airbnb and watched gam grumps LOL. after that, back in toronto, i told myself to get to the grind seriously. i begged james to give me less hours during this time and studied hardcore (that means full time studying-- almost 9-5, or at least just 8 hours or at lest 2-3 tests of 75 questions) for almost every day a week, and closer towards my test date my mind just plateaued.. i couldn't learn anymore! i think that same day i was so hungry and the AC in the sbux was so high and i froze that i literally felt like i had raynaud's syndrome lOL my fingers were burningggg and white and red. so we dipped and went to eat at ikea & thomason got the fish and chips and they were shit but i digress. the week before my test, i met up with Natalie and we studied together again and talked about her trip to vancouver, and she wished me luck!!
so after my UWORLD acc expired on july 27th i just chilled and did my thing and it was great! i felt confident and ready to just do my best! i asked Roe and Andrew to keep me in their prayers, took the sunday off before the 31st to goto church and thank God for my blessings up so far and for the blessing of his grace to keep me focused and assured during the test. then the day off i kept a rosary in my bag, my cross necklace secured around my neck, and a crucifix in my back pocket. my mom also took the day off because she had a hearing to attend re: the increases in tenant rent so she wished me good luck and gave me a hug, and i was on my way!
on the bus i did a whole rosary to keep me calm and relaxed. everyone was really friendly at the test center, i was asked to take off my necklace tho but i kept my crucifix hidden in my back pocket LOL. i had a runny nose and the exam proctor let me take in a handful of tissues, he was so kind, and then i sat and did my exam. at 75 questions the thing shut off and i let out a huge breath because i had a feeling... just an inkling that i did okay. sat through the case study (didn't know you could skip it), walked out of the test center, and headed over to thomason's house. there i tried the PVT trick (as skeptical as i was) and it was 'positive', but i obviously was not assured........
then on august 2nd, i came home and found the letter. i ripped open the envelope and ripped the whole thing and i told my dad and he cried!! hahaha. then i messaged abby, thomason, roe, and andrew. i told dad not to tell mom until i could tell them myself. so once everyone was home, i told them the news!! then i was okay with telling everyone else. then the next day we went camping aaaaand YEAH LOL that was it! i wrote my jurisprudence that thursday and applied for my police check. then a month later i was finally registered with the college! which was awesome.. i was finally, officially, Angelica Abad RN BScN.
---
that was it! Now i'm working hard to get myself a nice position. fixing my resume, cover letters, and CV and meeting up with a career specialist as recommended my mark's sister. hopefully i can start pumping out my top grade resumes, get through some interviews, i hope i get a job!!
i didn't get to write about my nclex process and my feelings about the nclex (which was like 1.5 months ago!! WOW!) it was such a journey, and it was actually pretty fun! it gave me a purpose, a goal, and was an educational time killer especially when i was working up at the booth. so many days i would come home smelling like coffee after studying at starbucks-- thank you sbux @ milner & 401!!!-- but it was a great few weeks because i could slowly see and feel myself developing my ability to think like a nurse.
i didn't wanna tell anyone about my test date because i didn't want the pressure, i didn't want the attention. i just wanted to do this on my own & stay focused. i obviously told my family and thomason, and eventually i ended up telling my nursing friends and abby, but that's about it! at first my studying was so wishy washy-- inconsistent at best, listening to mark K and taking notes, and studying uworld on the bus through the phone app without internet so sometimes my answers wouldn't save, and i'm pretty sure my results were fudged as a result LOL. when i was up at the tetsu's booth in the food court, it was more doable because business was hella slow so i could print out notes, bring my phone charger, and just study.
then i went to vancouver in the beginning of july-- i finished my mark K lectures on the plane and just kinda forgot about things when i was there. even though i was supposed to go to the library to study more, those plans flopped, and instead i stayed at the airbnb and watched gam grumps LOL. after that, back in toronto, i told myself to get to the grind seriously. i begged james to give me less hours during this time and studied hardcore (that means full time studying-- almost 9-5, or at least just 8 hours or at lest 2-3 tests of 75 questions) for almost every day a week, and closer towards my test date my mind just plateaued.. i couldn't learn anymore! i think that same day i was so hungry and the AC in the sbux was so high and i froze that i literally felt like i had raynaud's syndrome lOL my fingers were burningggg and white and red. so we dipped and went to eat at ikea & thomason got the fish and chips and they were shit but i digress. the week before my test, i met up with Natalie and we studied together again and talked about her trip to vancouver, and she wished me luck!!
so after my UWORLD acc expired on july 27th i just chilled and did my thing and it was great! i felt confident and ready to just do my best! i asked Roe and Andrew to keep me in their prayers, took the sunday off before the 31st to goto church and thank God for my blessings up so far and for the blessing of his grace to keep me focused and assured during the test. then the day off i kept a rosary in my bag, my cross necklace secured around my neck, and a crucifix in my back pocket. my mom also took the day off because she had a hearing to attend re: the increases in tenant rent so she wished me good luck and gave me a hug, and i was on my way!
on the bus i did a whole rosary to keep me calm and relaxed. everyone was really friendly at the test center, i was asked to take off my necklace tho but i kept my crucifix hidden in my back pocket LOL. i had a runny nose and the exam proctor let me take in a handful of tissues, he was so kind, and then i sat and did my exam. at 75 questions the thing shut off and i let out a huge breath because i had a feeling... just an inkling that i did okay. sat through the case study (didn't know you could skip it), walked out of the test center, and headed over to thomason's house. there i tried the PVT trick (as skeptical as i was) and it was 'positive', but i obviously was not assured........
then on august 2nd, i came home and found the letter. i ripped open the envelope and ripped the whole thing and i told my dad and he cried!! hahaha. then i messaged abby, thomason, roe, and andrew. i told dad not to tell mom until i could tell them myself. so once everyone was home, i told them the news!! then i was okay with telling everyone else. then the next day we went camping aaaaand YEAH LOL that was it! i wrote my jurisprudence that thursday and applied for my police check. then a month later i was finally registered with the college! which was awesome.. i was finally, officially, Angelica Abad RN BScN.
---
that was it! Now i'm working hard to get myself a nice position. fixing my resume, cover letters, and CV and meeting up with a career specialist as recommended my mark's sister. hopefully i can start pumping out my top grade resumes, get through some interviews, i hope i get a job!!
ange meets world // ange vs the world // ange eat world
August draws to a close.
Friends are going back to school.
And I, I took the road less travelled by...
such a bizarre feeling knowing i'm not going back to school. it's definitely not the last time i'll be enrolled, because i know i'm go back to school for something (like a certificate course, for example) but this is it... 4 years and... it's time to pay back osap!!!!!! and questions of everyone asking if i've started looking for a job, the job hunt, etc. im on the right track, but i feel like i'm slowly becoming a to-do list person: in recent days, ive been making lists for all the things i need to get done, especially with registration, and it's somehow caught on and even therapeutic for me.
to be quite honest, i've been feeling a little... stagnant, slow moving, and stuck in life? i can't quite place it right. i haven't even started my job search, and i have yet to do my G2. im working a boring ass job at tetsus, barely making back the money i've been spending (particularly on travelling, i've done my fair share of travelling this year) but... i dont know... i'm feeling unfulfilled? maybe in my relationships with other people? with my faith? my community? My part-time job? in enjoying the things i used to like doing, like writing, reading, and drawing?
i feel like i'm not quite there in the the things that i do, in each day that i live. my minds in a completely different place. like at graddies i was trying to catch up with allyson but my heart just wasn't in it (it could also just be because a loud house party was not the right place to talk about her pursuing her masters and our future plans). although, my heart wasn't really in it for the party too-- maybe i'm too old and have grown accustomed to enjoying time with smaller groups of people instead-- and neither is my excitement for pushing myself forward in my career. the drive has halted, the fire frozen. i'm not unmotivated, but just a little... hesitant? apprehensive? all i wanna do is sleep because i feel so tired all the time. am i depressed? lol no i don't think so.
i'm lacking that inspiration, and usually i draw my inspiration away from God. perhaps that's where this is all stemming. losing my Sundays with my mom and sister, going to church and then us hanging out afterwards which was my normal routine, or just losing my weekends in general and not being home to see them; could it be that? losing my normalcy and routine in the things that i love in lieu of earning money to pay off my debts-- is this what my future is going to be like? Or am i truly going to love my job, like i pray i will? or is it going to be anxiety inducing dread for every shift? will i bum out or will i hustle hard and lose the most precious days of my life? losing my friends and my life in the mess of 12 hrs shifts and in the pursue of advancing my career?
see, there's so many things i want the answers to. i need an outlet, like this blog, to be able to speak (or in this case, write) my thoughts out loud so i can better understand my thinking process and pick out what it is that i really, truly, want for and from myself. but sometimes i just get so lazy and i get stuck, and i dont know where to begin or what to write. but once i do, it just keeps coming (hence why every blog post is 100% my thoughts being translated directly into text) lmao. inconsistent, but genuineness as it's finest. and once in a while, nights like these are much needed-- dates with thomason, jathu, and christian. truly some of my favourite people to just kick it with, people who make me feel at ease after a stressful day of thinking too much about my future.
i feel like i'm not quite there in the the things that i do, in each day that i live. my minds in a completely different place. like at graddies i was trying to catch up with allyson but my heart just wasn't in it (it could also just be because a loud house party was not the right place to talk about her pursuing her masters and our future plans). although, my heart wasn't really in it for the party too-- maybe i'm too old and have grown accustomed to enjoying time with smaller groups of people instead-- and neither is my excitement for pushing myself forward in my career. the drive has halted, the fire frozen. i'm not unmotivated, but just a little... hesitant? apprehensive? all i wanna do is sleep because i feel so tired all the time. am i depressed? lol no i don't think so.
i'm lacking that inspiration, and usually i draw my inspiration away from God. perhaps that's where this is all stemming. losing my Sundays with my mom and sister, going to church and then us hanging out afterwards which was my normal routine, or just losing my weekends in general and not being home to see them; could it be that? losing my normalcy and routine in the things that i love in lieu of earning money to pay off my debts-- is this what my future is going to be like? Or am i truly going to love my job, like i pray i will? or is it going to be anxiety inducing dread for every shift? will i bum out or will i hustle hard and lose the most precious days of my life? losing my friends and my life in the mess of 12 hrs shifts and in the pursue of advancing my career?
see, there's so many things i want the answers to. i need an outlet, like this blog, to be able to speak (or in this case, write) my thoughts out loud so i can better understand my thinking process and pick out what it is that i really, truly, want for and from myself. but sometimes i just get so lazy and i get stuck, and i dont know where to begin or what to write. but once i do, it just keeps coming (hence why every blog post is 100% my thoughts being translated directly into text) lmao. inconsistent, but genuineness as it's finest. and once in a while, nights like these are much needed-- dates with thomason, jathu, and christian. truly some of my favourite people to just kick it with, people who make me feel at ease after a stressful day of thinking too much about my future.
wrote the nclex today
never even got to write about my graduation day! to sum up that day, i felt a lot of pressure being the first one of our program to cross that stage, but i was really stoked that we made it that far. i even wore my purple curtain tassles, like i said i would.
after that, i pretty much lost myself to studying for the NCLEX; although admittedly i wasn't that focused in the beginning. it was on and off/very casual studying at first, but eventually after vancouver i actually sat down and got back on the grind, doing 9-5 study sessions and working on the weekends, listening to lectures on my way to work and even on the treadmill at the gym.
i dont even know what to say about it, because i really don't know how well i did; i feel craptastic! it's extremely hard to judge my results from doing the test LOL. i feel like i failed. but we'll see once that letter comes in the mail!!! and that is about all that i wanna say about this.
after that, i pretty much lost myself to studying for the NCLEX; although admittedly i wasn't that focused in the beginning. it was on and off/very casual studying at first, but eventually after vancouver i actually sat down and got back on the grind, doing 9-5 study sessions and working on the weekends, listening to lectures on my way to work and even on the treadmill at the gym.
i dont even know what to say about it, because i really don't know how well i did; i feel craptastic! it's extremely hard to judge my results from doing the test LOL. i feel like i failed. but we'll see once that letter comes in the mail!!! and that is about all that i wanna say about this.
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